I've always tried to make this blog uplifting and positive - tried not to over dramatize or be inappropriately introspective. November weekends have been filled with a trip to Chicago to see Patrick, a "Campo 02" reunion here in DC with Liz, Ali, V, and Dill, and Ben and Leila's wedding. All fun, all worthy of separate posts detailing the happenings.
I'm feeling that recounting how great something was - while real and true - feels fake. Or at least disingenuous.
And in the same vein, I don't want to post about what is really going on. It's too personal, too much to know that it's all out there for anyone to read. It's not that I'm ashamed or unwilling to discuss these things, but to have no control over who is reading it and when requires more of a comfort level than I'm ready for. Too much vulnerability.
So I'm not really sure when I'll be blogging again. I'm not sure when it will feel okay to write about the good things and not feel like an impostor who is not lending equal time to the unspeakable. I hate duplicity. And right now that is what blogging feels like.
Please be patient with me. I like having a chronicle, but perhaps my inability to write - my silence - speaks loudest about this time in my life.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
So truth is...
in a certain feeling of permanence that presses around the moment. They are ordinary people, after all. For a time they had entered the world of the newspaper statistic; a world where any measure you took to feel better was temporary, at best, but that was over. This is permanent. It must be.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Reflections on Election Day - Past and Present
Of the many things Election Day 2008 brought with it, one aspect I was unprepared for was the flood of memories from Election Day 2006. I was in the suburbs of Chicago campaigning for Pete Roskam. I understand why people get addicted to campaigns. What a rush! What a feeling of community - of working TOWARDS something so tangible and with a hard deadline. You work very very hard and play harder. I understand the relief of a campaign being over. No more 16 hour days, no more emotional stress, no more 4 hours of sleep, no more living off of coffee, cigarettes, dunkin donuts, and papa johns. Campaigning is terrible for ones health. The funny thing (and this is true of many things in life I think) is by the time the trail bends around again two years later, you've forgotten all the awful things about it and only remember the great things. Hence, campaign addiction.
On Election Night 2006 I was in St. Charles, IL with Denny and all the staff. We knew it was going to be bad. Very bad. We knew we were done. I think there was still SOME hope though. It's funny how you hold out hope. I remember watching the results come in from the "war room" upstairs at the hotel. We lost the House and therefore our jobs in the leadership office. And yet, Denny won his district again so... the locals were celebrating at his victory party. Surreal! Kate and I had some laughs that night! There were these balloon towers in the lobby for the event and Chris grabs a whole huge balloon tower and is like... "The balloons are coming with me. I don't care what anyone says. I'm taking the balloon tower." Lots of drowning of sorrows in the hotel bar after the party and then later in the suite upstairs. Surprisingly, I feel a strong sense of nostalgia when I think about that night. Something I think only DC people who "get it" can understand. Then waking up the next morning, packing up, heading to the airport. Everyone very quiet, very melancholy. I have this picture of Shea and I at the airport faking a thumbs up with these totally downtrodden looks on our faces.
Fast forward to Election Day 2008. Different, obviously, because of the excitement (or dread as the case may be) for the Presidential election. It took me literally 8 minutes to vote from when I walked up to the precinct to when I left. Record time I think. Last night QB, Beth, David and I grabbed drinks at the St. Regis then headed over to the RNC party at the Capitol Hilton. Yale sang the National Anthem! And what to say of the mood? Hmm. The mood. It was resigned, I think. Resigned is the best word for it. Not sure what else to say on that front.
It was still pretty fun, though! Saw a ton of people from over the years and from a bunch of different offices. This town is SMALL. They announced Mr. Obama's victory.
I got teary, I'll admit. Not so much over the crushing defeat of Senator McCain, but because it signaled - truly signaled - the beginning of the end. David and I looked at each other and embraced.
On Election Night 2006 I was in St. Charles, IL with Denny and all the staff. We knew it was going to be bad. Very bad. We knew we were done. I think there was still SOME hope though. It's funny how you hold out hope. I remember watching the results come in from the "war room" upstairs at the hotel. We lost the House and therefore our jobs in the leadership office. And yet, Denny won his district again so... the locals were celebrating at his victory party. Surreal! Kate and I had some laughs that night! There were these balloon towers in the lobby for the event and Chris grabs a whole huge balloon tower and is like... "The balloons are coming with me. I don't care what anyone says. I'm taking the balloon tower." Lots of drowning of sorrows in the hotel bar after the party and then later in the suite upstairs. Surprisingly, I feel a strong sense of nostalgia when I think about that night. Something I think only DC people who "get it" can understand. Then waking up the next morning, packing up, heading to the airport. Everyone very quiet, very melancholy. I have this picture of Shea and I at the airport faking a thumbs up with these totally downtrodden looks on our faces.
Fast forward to Election Day 2008. Different, obviously, because of the excitement (or dread as the case may be) for the Presidential election. It took me literally 8 minutes to vote from when I walked up to the precinct to when I left. Record time I think. Last night QB, Beth, David and I grabbed drinks at the St. Regis then headed over to the RNC party at the Capitol Hilton. Yale sang the National Anthem! And what to say of the mood? Hmm. The mood. It was resigned, I think. Resigned is the best word for it. Not sure what else to say on that front.
It was still pretty fun, though! Saw a ton of people from over the years and from a bunch of different offices. This town is SMALL. They announced Mr. Obama's victory.
I got teary, I'll admit. Not so much over the crushing defeat of Senator McCain, but because it signaled - truly signaled - the beginning of the end. David and I looked at each other and embraced.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Happy Blog Birthday to Me!
Today is my blog's first birthday. I think it is perhaps the only thing I have stuck with throughout this whole year consistently :).
Excerpts
I still arrive in order to laugh and to cry
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that are alive.
My joy is like Spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom in all over the Earth.
My pain like a river of tears,
so vast it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and my pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up
and the door of my heart
could be left open,
the door of compassion.
-Taken from Call Me by My True Names by Thich Nhat Hanh
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that are alive.
My joy is like Spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom in all over the Earth.
My pain like a river of tears,
so vast it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and my pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up
and the door of my heart
could be left open,
the door of compassion.
-Taken from Call Me by My True Names by Thich Nhat Hanh
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Trying
I've been trying to write something here for the past week. Trying to summarize what bible verses have encouraged me (Beauty from ashes, Joy instead of mourning, Praise instead of heaviness) or what has been on my playlist (Matt Redman, Elza). Something clean and something to go back to; or start from.
Nothing feels clean, though.
I imagine - I pray - there will not be too many situations in my life where I legitimately have to rely on my entire support system at one time. Northern California, Santa Barbara, Chicago, Michigan, Texas, Boston, Pennsylvania, New York, Washington, DC, Paris. Family, friends, coworkers, church and local communities. All over the Hill, DOE, the WH, NCC. Emails, meals, prayers, phone calls, texts, moving us out of the house and into the apartment. Our neighbors - most we didn't even know - going door to door for people to sign cards and contribute to offset the cost to Rachel's family. We have been overwhelmed; humbled.
I would say things will go back to normal over time but I don't believe that. Normal has been ripped apart and redefined. My false sense of physical security is gone. You can't expect us to live the same. We can't live the same!
I will do the work necessary to come to terms with the images, the fear, the cowardice, the guilt, the relief, the naivety, the questions.
I know what all of this sounds like to you. I know you're worried. Listen - my faith is strong. It has not waivered even for a second. I've laughed and emoted and responded and related. But this... this whole thing... has become unspeakable except to those of us who are nearest to it. Don't you understand that I sensor myself with you!? Don't you understand I can't even SPEAK of what actually happened? Don't you notice I avoid any descriptive detail to the questions you ask? This is for your sake!
I'm sorry. I had wanted this to be encouraging and uplifting and hopeful and restorative. I'm just... not there yet.
Nothing feels clean, though.
I imagine - I pray - there will not be too many situations in my life where I legitimately have to rely on my entire support system at one time. Northern California, Santa Barbara, Chicago, Michigan, Texas, Boston, Pennsylvania, New York, Washington, DC, Paris. Family, friends, coworkers, church and local communities. All over the Hill, DOE, the WH, NCC. Emails, meals, prayers, phone calls, texts, moving us out of the house and into the apartment. Our neighbors - most we didn't even know - going door to door for people to sign cards and contribute to offset the cost to Rachel's family. We have been overwhelmed; humbled.
I would say things will go back to normal over time but I don't believe that. Normal has been ripped apart and redefined. My false sense of physical security is gone. You can't expect us to live the same. We can't live the same!
I will do the work necessary to come to terms with the images, the fear, the cowardice, the guilt, the relief, the naivety, the questions.
I know what all of this sounds like to you. I know you're worried. Listen - my faith is strong. It has not waivered even for a second. I've laughed and emoted and responded and related. But this... this whole thing... has become unspeakable except to those of us who are nearest to it. Don't you understand that I sensor myself with you!? Don't you understand I can't even SPEAK of what actually happened? Don't you notice I avoid any descriptive detail to the questions you ask? This is for your sake!
I'm sorry. I had wanted this to be encouraging and uplifting and hopeful and restorative. I'm just... not there yet.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Snapshots of Paris
When I realized I'd be in Paris for over a week, it occurred to me it would be the first time I've stayed put in one place (outside of DC) for that long... ever, maybe.
First, we worked...
The Global Nuclear Energy Partnership (GNEP) Ministerial was held in Paris this year. 21 partner countries, 3 inter-government observers, 17 country observers, plus another 25 countries attending. Four new member countries signed the GNEP Statement of Principles and it was agreed upon that China would host the next Executive Committee Ministerial in 2009.
My boss was coming off of a few days for the IAEA in Vienna, so he was a little tired needless to say. He did great, though. It was especially neat for me to see him on the road and around so many of his international counterparts.
Ambassador and Mrs. Stapleton hosted a reception in honor of the Secretary in their home. There were about 75 of us or so. The grounds and rooms are just amazing - it was fun to poke around and look at the rooms and art and gardens. Ambassador Stapleton said a few welcoming words and my boss reciprocated with a very warm, sincere response in which he indicated he had been thinking more and more about how these really are the closing days of his government service and how these amazing opportunities such as staying with the Ambassador or joining his counterparts at these summits are coming to an end. I hadn't heard him express these thoughts very much before. It was touching.
We got the Boss and Mrs. on the plane and wheels up in one piece. Mrs. B told me she was really pleased with how it all went, thanked me for my efforts, and encouraged James and I to relax when they left! That meant quite a lot to me as you can imagine - there were some snafus at the beginning of their trip and James and I decided we really wanted to make everything perfect for our leg. I think it was as close as it could have been. We added some nice touches and they were not unnoticed :).
From the Embassy, hotel, and logistical end - this trip was not without its challenges. We had a brand new control officer who has not quite hit his rhythm yet, so we relied on a few other Embassy folks who were fantastic - Liz and Bridgitte specifically. The hotel was a total nightmare. I have never gotten so spun up to the point of making a scene in my life - but this hotel changed that! We spent hours at that front desk trying to get them to be organized and straighten out the errors. Good lord. Needless to say I am travelocity-ing them and will be one of the many to encourage people against staying there! We loved our drivers - especially Denis - and even Charles who thinks we are all like chickens. Oh and Ludovic of course. He's very sweet.
Second...
We played :). Paris! You're so beautiful! The eiffel tower is blue for 6 months in celebration of France's EU Presidency. At the top of every night hour, it sparkles for about 5-10 minutes.
I should pause and say something about being here with James. It has been a total hoot. We had fun the entire time. I would venture so far as to say we were having TOO much fun for some of the people around us who were stressing on work in the control room. We just had a ball - I don't know how else to emphasize it. We worked hard and played hard and were great partners. Laughing all the way.
I did manage to get away for SOME cultural things aside from eating crepes or passing by the Eiffel or Notre Dame :)! I went to Musee D'Orsay (I went to the Louvre when I was here with Kayti in 2005). I of course got a trusty audio guide and spent an afternoon looking at Renoir, Monet, Van Gogh. We all know that art is always so much more striking in person. But... like... it really is! Maybe this is a silly point to focus on. I'm just trying to say it was beautiful. I loved it.
Photo taken yesterday at LaDuree on the Champ Elysee - famous for its macaroons. Unfortunately we're having major camera difficulties so we don't have photos to show for our walk up to Arc de Triomphe or our gorgeous but cold afternoon strolling around the Sacre Coeur in Montmatre. Just lovely.
My favorite part of all of this has been seeing Yann, Vincent, Melina, and new friend Jeremy. Also I happened to bump into my old DC friend Eric on the street corner - yes, totally random. Yann - who James thought was a model for L'Oreal (he's actually a marketing/arts director)- and the picture above would suggest why that mistake can be made! Anyway I just love Yann. David knows him from when Yann studied at UT. He's wonderful. Sweet, genuine, relaxed... and so hospitable. I'm curled up on his couch right now :). Vincent - my refined Vincent is the best description I've settled on. He's smart and serious and crazy and complicated. And tall. Vincent is very tall haha. Melina - UGH Melina is the sweetest, smiliest girl in the world. She's gorgeous and has no idea. She invited James, David, and I to tea and macaroons at her apartment and was so gracious and excited. She's also ridiculously smart. Jeremy is my new friend through them who had BETTER get his act together to make it to Barcelona for new years! He does what he wants to do - comes and goes as he pleases and makes many jokes but no apologies about his behavior. I love these friends, do you know?
For Heaven only knows why one loves it so, how one sees it so, making it up, building it round one tumbling it, creating it every moment afresh; but the veriest frumps... can't be dealt with, she felt positive, by Acts of Parliament for that very reason: they love life. In the triumph and the jingle... was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June.
Pardon my paraphrasing. And you're right, I'm not in London. But - oh - doesn't this just capture it? Heaven only knows why one loves it so! To love life ... this moment. The toothy crepe guy on the corner of Rue de Grenelle who reminds me he is "still here." The impatient rider who raises the metro door latch before the train stops moving. The sidewalk cafe perch that feels so removed from the whizzing around it. Chipped paint window shades and cast iron balconies The excitement of not knowing what the next corner's turn will look like. The knowing it is time for a change.
First, we worked...
The Global Nuclear Energy Partnership (GNEP) Ministerial was held in Paris this year. 21 partner countries, 3 inter-government observers, 17 country observers, plus another 25 countries attending. Four new member countries signed the GNEP Statement of Principles and it was agreed upon that China would host the next Executive Committee Ministerial in 2009.
My boss was coming off of a few days for the IAEA in Vienna, so he was a little tired needless to say. He did great, though. It was especially neat for me to see him on the road and around so many of his international counterparts.
Ambassador and Mrs. Stapleton hosted a reception in honor of the Secretary in their home. There were about 75 of us or so. The grounds and rooms are just amazing - it was fun to poke around and look at the rooms and art and gardens. Ambassador Stapleton said a few welcoming words and my boss reciprocated with a very warm, sincere response in which he indicated he had been thinking more and more about how these really are the closing days of his government service and how these amazing opportunities such as staying with the Ambassador or joining his counterparts at these summits are coming to an end. I hadn't heard him express these thoughts very much before. It was touching.
We got the Boss and Mrs. on the plane and wheels up in one piece. Mrs. B told me she was really pleased with how it all went, thanked me for my efforts, and encouraged James and I to relax when they left! That meant quite a lot to me as you can imagine - there were some snafus at the beginning of their trip and James and I decided we really wanted to make everything perfect for our leg. I think it was as close as it could have been. We added some nice touches and they were not unnoticed :).
From the Embassy, hotel, and logistical end - this trip was not without its challenges. We had a brand new control officer who has not quite hit his rhythm yet, so we relied on a few other Embassy folks who were fantastic - Liz and Bridgitte specifically. The hotel was a total nightmare. I have never gotten so spun up to the point of making a scene in my life - but this hotel changed that! We spent hours at that front desk trying to get them to be organized and straighten out the errors. Good lord. Needless to say I am travelocity-ing them and will be one of the many to encourage people against staying there! We loved our drivers - especially Denis - and even Charles who thinks we are all like chickens. Oh and Ludovic of course. He's very sweet.
Second...
We played :). Paris! You're so beautiful! The eiffel tower is blue for 6 months in celebration of France's EU Presidency. At the top of every night hour, it sparkles for about 5-10 minutes.
I should pause and say something about being here with James. It has been a total hoot. We had fun the entire time. I would venture so far as to say we were having TOO much fun for some of the people around us who were stressing on work in the control room. We just had a ball - I don't know how else to emphasize it. We worked hard and played hard and were great partners. Laughing all the way.
I did manage to get away for SOME cultural things aside from eating crepes or passing by the Eiffel or Notre Dame :)! I went to Musee D'Orsay (I went to the Louvre when I was here with Kayti in 2005). I of course got a trusty audio guide and spent an afternoon looking at Renoir, Monet, Van Gogh. We all know that art is always so much more striking in person. But... like... it really is! Maybe this is a silly point to focus on. I'm just trying to say it was beautiful. I loved it.
Photo taken yesterday at LaDuree on the Champ Elysee - famous for its macaroons. Unfortunately we're having major camera difficulties so we don't have photos to show for our walk up to Arc de Triomphe or our gorgeous but cold afternoon strolling around the Sacre Coeur in Montmatre. Just lovely.
My favorite part of all of this has been seeing Yann, Vincent, Melina, and new friend Jeremy. Also I happened to bump into my old DC friend Eric on the street corner - yes, totally random. Yann - who James thought was a model for L'Oreal (he's actually a marketing/arts director)- and the picture above would suggest why that mistake can be made! Anyway I just love Yann. David knows him from when Yann studied at UT. He's wonderful. Sweet, genuine, relaxed... and so hospitable. I'm curled up on his couch right now :). Vincent - my refined Vincent is the best description I've settled on. He's smart and serious and crazy and complicated. And tall. Vincent is very tall haha. Melina - UGH Melina is the sweetest, smiliest girl in the world. She's gorgeous and has no idea. She invited James, David, and I to tea and macaroons at her apartment and was so gracious and excited. She's also ridiculously smart. Jeremy is my new friend through them who had BETTER get his act together to make it to Barcelona for new years! He does what he wants to do - comes and goes as he pleases and makes many jokes but no apologies about his behavior. I love these friends, do you know?
For Heaven only knows why one loves it so, how one sees it so, making it up, building it round one tumbling it, creating it every moment afresh; but the veriest frumps... can't be dealt with, she felt positive, by Acts of Parliament for that very reason: they love life. In the triumph and the jingle... was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June.
Pardon my paraphrasing. And you're right, I'm not in London. But - oh - doesn't this just capture it? Heaven only knows why one loves it so! To love life ... this moment. The toothy crepe guy on the corner of Rue de Grenelle who reminds me he is "still here." The impatient rider who raises the metro door latch before the train stops moving. The sidewalk cafe perch that feels so removed from the whizzing around it. Chipped paint window shades and cast iron balconies The excitement of not knowing what the next corner's turn will look like. The knowing it is time for a change.
Friday, October 3, 2008
La Residence
Last night a drink with my refined Vincent at Comptoir de Sept, at his suggestion. A stroll home past le tour eiffel - sparkling and blue.
Today a friendly knock on Novotel Room 1018. Bienvenue, David. Proof of two things - the whole world is a plane flight away and there is nothing more exciting that being in it with your best friend.
This morning a ride from Denis in the curbside black Peugeot. We crossed Paris quickly, ambling up Saint Honore - Valentino, Laroche, Hermes - pulled into a small driveway in front of a seemingly insurpassable solid iron lion head door surrounded by high moss greened garden walls. The door cracked open - a quick verbal exchange and credential swap - closed again - then swung grandly open to swallow the car from the avenue.
Enter courtyard - cobblestone wet from morning rain - grand staircase to private residence.
Bonjour, Barbara Bush, first daughter, leaving to take in the day.
And make yourself at home, Mademoiselle Carrie, you are a resident on these grounds.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Great Falls and Riverbend National Park
Got my butt up and moving on Sunday morning and took off for Great Falls and Riverbend National Park for a 10.5 mile loop starting at the Riverbend National Park Nature Center and winding down along the Potomac through Great Falls National Park. This was my first hike since the Fall weather has just begun to creep in, so it was absolutely ideal for hiking. The trail went along the Potomac for a few miles and to the outlooks over the waterfalls. I stopped at watched a kayaker climb up the rocks and then ride down the falls - pretty cool. I find my hiking ideas mostly from "60 Hikes Within 60 Miles" DC version and these directions were a little difficult to follow. I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up on some rock scrambles on the riverbed. Whoops. I kept thinking if I just went a little further I would make it to another trail head. This is clearly how people get lost! Anyway the hike should have taken about 5-6 hours but I got 'er done in about 4.5 so I was really proud of myself. My legs are really sore today though!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Proof that Girls are Evil
Haha... Patrick sent this around today. The math part makes my head spin but it still makes me laugh!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
New Countdowns Fall 2008!
Leaving for Paris (!!!) in 7 days 21 hours 58 minutes
Columbus Day Weekend in Austin - 22 days 11 hours 1 minute
Chicago to see Patrick!!!!!! - 49 days 23 hours 58 minutes
Ben and Leila's Wedding - 65 days 22 hours 57 minutes
Thanksgiving in Madison (and my first ever 5k race) - 69 days 22 hours 46 minutes
BARCELONA AND ROME FOR NEW YEARS!! - 100 days 22 hours 16 minutes
Unemployment - 124 days 4 hours 52 minutes
Columbus Day Weekend in Austin - 22 days 11 hours 1 minute
Chicago to see Patrick!!!!!! - 49 days 23 hours 58 minutes
Ben and Leila's Wedding - 65 days 22 hours 57 minutes
Thanksgiving in Madison (and my first ever 5k race) - 69 days 22 hours 46 minutes
BARCELONA AND ROME FOR NEW YEARS!! - 100 days 22 hours 16 minutes
Unemployment - 124 days 4 hours 52 minutes
Network Blackout
The last email I received today was at 12:38pm. It is now 4:52pm. For someone who receives somewhere around 5 or so emails a minute during business hours... this is absolutely the worst thing ever.
Internet, yes. But it does us no good when we have no email. No access to schedules or contacts. No shared drives. We're absolutely incapacitated.
QB's Dad was one of the West Wing big shots for a former Administration that was in office before all of this email and blackberry business. I had lunch with him not too long ago and asked him - in all honesty - how did they function without email? How did ANYTHING get done in this town before email? He laughed and explained that desks were much more cluttered with memos and phones rang much more often. I like this explanation but my little email-dependent brain still cannot quite grasp how that system possibly worked.
The CIO just confirmed the best case scenario - back online by tomorrow morning at the earliest. You have got to be joking me. Ask me offline what directive my boss gave to the CIO. I heard it and was like... well hopefully THAT will get them moving!
Hope you are having a more technologically functional day!
Internet, yes. But it does us no good when we have no email. No access to schedules or contacts. No shared drives. We're absolutely incapacitated.
QB's Dad was one of the West Wing big shots for a former Administration that was in office before all of this email and blackberry business. I had lunch with him not too long ago and asked him - in all honesty - how did they function without email? How did ANYTHING get done in this town before email? He laughed and explained that desks were much more cluttered with memos and phones rang much more often. I like this explanation but my little email-dependent brain still cannot quite grasp how that system possibly worked.
The CIO just confirmed the best case scenario - back online by tomorrow morning at the earliest. You have got to be joking me. Ask me offline what directive my boss gave to the CIO. I heard it and was like... well hopefully THAT will get them moving!
Hope you are having a more technologically functional day!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Silent Amen
Last night a new kid in town asked me what happens around this city on 9/11. Detached, I listed off the options - St. Johns or National Cathedral services, possible monument memorial events, moments of silence in the morning, Pentagon Memorial Dedication with the President and Cabinet Members, Pentagon floodlights once it's dark enough to see them. And it occurred to me that for the first time this year - for the first time in seven years - the city hasn't felt different for these days leading up to September 11th. I haven't felt different. I haven't thought about it with my usual looming nausea.
I've had trouble waking up lately and have been hitting the snooze button a few times a morning before peeling myself out of bed. This morning, though, I woke up before my alarm and peaked out my window at the morning-gold striped clouds... searching, grasping, for a mourning that was just not there. And when I realized it wasn't, and knew how important it is to me that today remains meaningful and alive, I prayed for the privilege of carrying my portion of our nation's grief for one more year.
Tears came following a silent Amen.
I'm not a masochist. It's just that on September 11, 2001, I remember knowing in my very core that I would not - could not - ever be part of the masses that would let it go. I could not be part of the camp that thinks we should not pause on this day every year; that perhaps America's resolve is best displayed by moving on. I see this argument. I see why people think this. But I will not be one of them. Ever. I want my grandbabies to be able to see the same tears well in my eyes 50 years from now that did 7 years ago and do today.
So pardon me if my red striped shirt and lapel pin flag are over the top. Excuse me if "America the Beautiful" from my car stereo on the commute to work is irritatingly loud. Please forgive my inability to pull away from the 24 hour news network images from that morning.
And if I'm quiet, please leave me to remembering Mom waking me up in a panic that morning and pulling me into the study to see what none of us could understand. Allow me to remember what it felt like on September 11, 2002 to walk around the White House when a helicopter passed overhead and stopped every person on the street in their tracks to look up and reassure themselves it was allowed to be there. Let me reflect on Speaker Hastert's speech on the Southeast Steps on 9/11/06 when I really grasped that the Capitol dome overhead and my colleagues who worked inside were still there thanks to the "Let's Roll" attitude of Flight 93. And for today, let it be okay for me to desperately want to remember what I was worried about forgetting.
Friday, September 5, 2008
All the Way My Savior Leads Me
Some things in life take months and years to digest... to come to terms with. Disappointments in life are inevitable. So resiliency is a critical part of character development. I try to live with my toes pointed forward.
But sometimes the present shines its floodlights on the past and for that moment, that which you have kept hidden in secret depths is illuminated. Tonight I am exposed. And sleepless.
But encouraged by this old hymn by Fanny Crosby called "All the Way My Savior Leads Me." You can hear it on Chris Tomlin's new album called Hello Love that was just released this week. An excerpt from his version...
All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside?
How could I doubt His tender mercy?
Who through life has been my guide?
All the way my Savior leads me
He cheers each winding path I tread
He gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living breath
But sometimes the present shines its floodlights on the past and for that moment, that which you have kept hidden in secret depths is illuminated. Tonight I am exposed. And sleepless.
But encouraged by this old hymn by Fanny Crosby called "All the Way My Savior Leads Me." You can hear it on Chris Tomlin's new album called Hello Love that was just released this week. An excerpt from his version...
All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside?
How could I doubt His tender mercy?
Who through life has been my guide?
All the way my Savior leads me
He cheers each winding path I tread
He gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living breath
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Reads and Tunes
One of my favorite feelings in life is being finished with something. Scratching a to-do item off the list. Throwing away an empty Body Shop coconut milk shower gel bottle. Scraping the end of the strawberry preserves from the bottom of the jar and tossing it into the recycling bin. Turning the last page of a book and being able to move it from my night stand to the downstairs bookcase. I just love the untangled relief and delicious accomplishment that comes with being done.
I finished a great book while I was on vacation called The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. Junot Diaz is an author I read in my creative writing classes in college who I absolutely fell in love with. His first book is a collection of short stories called Drown. Short stories are my favorite writing medium (I say medium because instead of a genre, it feels to me like more of a tool an author artist can use). Short stories require an author to be particularly succinct. You have to say what you're going to say very quickly. And my favorite thing -- your characters have to be enormously complicated and often very bizarre and quirky. The short stories in Drown have recurring characters in the different episodes. The setting bounces back and forth between New York and the Dominican Republic and serves as a teaching tool for the readers who have no previous exposure to DR history and culture. It's beautiful. One thing that is so uniquely Diaz is his use of Spanish in all of his stories. Foreign language is a tricky add-on because there is an inclination to qualify the word with the English translation, which usually winds up slapping your readers in the face. So then you try to make the word make sense contextually, but insulting your readers intelligence is not a good idea either. Diaz unapologetically adds Spanish words and phrases into his writing and makes no attempt at explaining them. You either get it or you don't. It makes me think about all the times he must have heard peer reviewers and editors tell him he should explain the meanings... and how he has had to stick to his guns and refuse to do so. Such confidence.
The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao has similar themes and style as Drown. It's an immigrant family's story. It crosses generations and countries and characters. The full story and family history pieces together as each chapter tells the story from a different character's perspective. The footnotes are laugh out loud funny. It's nice to invest in a story that has been carefully parented by its author.
So now I'm on to Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude. I have admittedly been a little nervous to start it and get stuck in it. Garcia Marquez novels cannot be messed around with! I read Love in the Time of Cholera last August - and LOVED it, don't get me wrong - but it was very dense and requires captive reading! I'm about 1/2 way through One Hundred Years of Solitude and am not quite as captivated with it as I was with Love in the Time of Cholera. But I do like it. And I love how Garcia Marquez's style comes through so strongly. There is always kind of a fantastical element to his writing. One of the characters can't stop eating earth and chips of paint off the garden wall. The man who appeared to be the central character at the beginning of the book ends up being tied by a rope to a chestnut tree in the backyard and lives the remainder of his days there and everyone acts like it's normal and acceptable. What? Garcia Marquez plays with time a lot.. and premonitions. Characters know what is going to happen before it does. Patrick and I had a laugh when I was trying to get the book started - he was like yeah I couldn't get past the family tree on page one. No joke, I had literally picked up the book and tried to start it but got totally stopped on the family tree and put it down for another 24 hours before attempting it again. Each character's name shows up in like 3-5 other characters in the book! UGH! It's so confusing!
I'm trying to listen to new music lately. Thank god for Pandora. I typed in Martin Sexton and came up with a bunch of new songs I love from Colin Hay and Joshua Radin. Waiting for My Real Life to Begin by Colin Hay is one of my favorites - download it if you can. Also I re-discovered Bonnie Raitt's version of Angel from Montgomery. Ugh. It's great. I'd like to see her in concert!
The song I have on repeat the most right now is Find You Waiting by Decemberadio. I've never heard of these guys before, but I really like the lead singer's voice. Reminds me a little of Ronnie Van Zant. I found a neat tribute to our troops with the song in the background. Click here for the video.
I'm not a preacher and I'm not a hero
My life has never been that kind
But there is one thing that I hold on to
I am yours... and Lord, you are mine
I finished a great book while I was on vacation called The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. Junot Diaz is an author I read in my creative writing classes in college who I absolutely fell in love with. His first book is a collection of short stories called Drown. Short stories are my favorite writing medium (I say medium because instead of a genre, it feels to me like more of a tool an author artist can use). Short stories require an author to be particularly succinct. You have to say what you're going to say very quickly. And my favorite thing -- your characters have to be enormously complicated and often very bizarre and quirky. The short stories in Drown have recurring characters in the different episodes. The setting bounces back and forth between New York and the Dominican Republic and serves as a teaching tool for the readers who have no previous exposure to DR history and culture. It's beautiful. One thing that is so uniquely Diaz is his use of Spanish in all of his stories. Foreign language is a tricky add-on because there is an inclination to qualify the word with the English translation, which usually winds up slapping your readers in the face. So then you try to make the word make sense contextually, but insulting your readers intelligence is not a good idea either. Diaz unapologetically adds Spanish words and phrases into his writing and makes no attempt at explaining them. You either get it or you don't. It makes me think about all the times he must have heard peer reviewers and editors tell him he should explain the meanings... and how he has had to stick to his guns and refuse to do so. Such confidence.
The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao has similar themes and style as Drown. It's an immigrant family's story. It crosses generations and countries and characters. The full story and family history pieces together as each chapter tells the story from a different character's perspective. The footnotes are laugh out loud funny. It's nice to invest in a story that has been carefully parented by its author.
So now I'm on to Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude. I have admittedly been a little nervous to start it and get stuck in it. Garcia Marquez novels cannot be messed around with! I read Love in the Time of Cholera last August - and LOVED it, don't get me wrong - but it was very dense and requires captive reading! I'm about 1/2 way through One Hundred Years of Solitude and am not quite as captivated with it as I was with Love in the Time of Cholera. But I do like it. And I love how Garcia Marquez's style comes through so strongly. There is always kind of a fantastical element to his writing. One of the characters can't stop eating earth and chips of paint off the garden wall. The man who appeared to be the central character at the beginning of the book ends up being tied by a rope to a chestnut tree in the backyard and lives the remainder of his days there and everyone acts like it's normal and acceptable. What? Garcia Marquez plays with time a lot.. and premonitions. Characters know what is going to happen before it does. Patrick and I had a laugh when I was trying to get the book started - he was like yeah I couldn't get past the family tree on page one. No joke, I had literally picked up the book and tried to start it but got totally stopped on the family tree and put it down for another 24 hours before attempting it again. Each character's name shows up in like 3-5 other characters in the book! UGH! It's so confusing!
I'm trying to listen to new music lately. Thank god for Pandora. I typed in Martin Sexton and came up with a bunch of new songs I love from Colin Hay and Joshua Radin. Waiting for My Real Life to Begin by Colin Hay is one of my favorites - download it if you can. Also I re-discovered Bonnie Raitt's version of Angel from Montgomery. Ugh. It's great. I'd like to see her in concert!
The song I have on repeat the most right now is Find You Waiting by Decemberadio. I've never heard of these guys before, but I really like the lead singer's voice. Reminds me a little of Ronnie Van Zant. I found a neat tribute to our troops with the song in the background. Click here for the video.
I'm not a preacher and I'm not a hero
My life has never been that kind
But there is one thing that I hold on to
I am yours... and Lord, you are mine
Recap
When I got back, Ben asked me if I wished I was still in Tahoe. I said I ALWAYS wish I was in Tahoe! We had a great week - a lot of days lounging by the pool and a lot of nights eating on the patio. All the kids are at such fun ages which makes it especially fun. They're always scrounging for treats! Jacob and I did a doughnut run one morning and of course s'mores over the fire. I went on a hike up to a lookout of the whole lake and spent a good hour sitting up there looking at it. I couldn't make myself leave and was trying to decide if there is anything more beautiful in the world than those mountains and that lake. I've seen beautiful places... I would put Capri, Manuel Antonio, Stellenbosch, Lucerne, Hayman Island and Zanzibar on the top of my list of most beautiful places I've been. I really don't think any of those are as majestic as Tahoe.
Psalm 97 says that mountains will melt like wax before the Lord of all the earth. Can you imagine?
I got back last weekend to a broken air conditioner. Yuck. Last weekend I spent most of my time with the boys - I'm trying to get as much Patrick time in as possible before he leaves for Chicago! Boooooo.
Monday-Wednesday I was in El Paso, TX and Las Cruces, NM for work. Unfortunately the trip ended up getting cancelled for my boss so Erin and I came home early. Kind of a bummer but it was fun while it lasted - we ate a LOT of Mexican food and took advantage of the "Texas Twister" water slide at our hotel. Apparently it's the longest water slide at any hotel in Texas. How 'bout THAT!?
This weekend is another in towner. I went to QB's housewarming last night which was fun - he found an awesome house on the Hill. I had to laugh though because I totally showed up in jeans and a tank top and all the other girls were in cute little sun dresses and the dudes were wearing their pink pants and powder blue oxfords. I was like WHOOPS I totally forgot this is a southern folk party! They're all soooo nice though - I really like QB's friends. A little part of me was meant to be southern I think :)
One more week of August left! I can't believe it.
Psalm 97 says that mountains will melt like wax before the Lord of all the earth. Can you imagine?
I got back last weekend to a broken air conditioner. Yuck. Last weekend I spent most of my time with the boys - I'm trying to get as much Patrick time in as possible before he leaves for Chicago! Boooooo.
Monday-Wednesday I was in El Paso, TX and Las Cruces, NM for work. Unfortunately the trip ended up getting cancelled for my boss so Erin and I came home early. Kind of a bummer but it was fun while it lasted - we ate a LOT of Mexican food and took advantage of the "Texas Twister" water slide at our hotel. Apparently it's the longest water slide at any hotel in Texas. How 'bout THAT!?
This weekend is another in towner. I went to QB's housewarming last night which was fun - he found an awesome house on the Hill. I had to laugh though because I totally showed up in jeans and a tank top and all the other girls were in cute little sun dresses and the dudes were wearing their pink pants and powder blue oxfords. I was like WHOOPS I totally forgot this is a southern folk party! They're all soooo nice though - I really like QB's friends. A little part of me was meant to be southern I think :)
One more week of August left! I can't believe it.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Off to Texas and New Mexico!
Back from a great vacation in Tahoe... now off to Texas and New Mexico for work! Be back with updates then. Have a good week!
Friday, August 8, 2008
August in DC looks like this...
Ha. August in DC. Very conflicted about August in DC actually. It comes and the entire city breathes out this huge sigh of relief. Bosses gone! Normal people hours! Legitimate lunch breaks! Then by mid-August it's like... bah. It's hot. I'm bored. I want things to happen again.
Right now I am in YAY IT'S AUGUST mode for sure. Flip flops at work ALL day (instead of just when the boss is gone). I had a sit down lunch today at Elephant and Castle! And it's 4:15pm which means only 45 minutes left of work. Loving life.
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