Trying

I've been trying to write something here for the past week. Trying to summarize what bible verses have encouraged me (Beauty from ashes, Joy instead of mourning, Praise instead of heaviness) or what has been on my playlist (Matt Redman, Elza). Something clean and something to go back to; or start from.

Nothing feels clean, though.

I imagine - I pray - there will not be too many situations in my life where I legitimately have to rely on my entire support system at one time. Northern California, Santa Barbara, Chicago, Michigan, Texas, Boston, Pennsylvania, New York, Washington, DC, Paris. Family, friends, coworkers, church and local communities. All over the Hill, DOE, the WH, NCC. Emails, meals, prayers, phone calls, texts, moving us out of the house and into the apartment. Our neighbors - most we didn't even know - going door to door for people to sign cards and contribute to offset the cost to Rachel's family. We have been overwhelmed; humbled.

I would say things will go back to normal over time but I don't believe that. Normal has been ripped apart and redefined. My false sense of physical security is gone. You can't expect us to live the same. We can't live the same!

I will do the work necessary to come to terms with the images, the fear, the cowardice, the guilt, the relief, the naivety, the questions.

I know what all of this sounds like to you. I know you're worried. Listen - my faith is strong. It has not waivered even for a second. I've laughed and emoted and responded and related. But this... this whole thing... has become unspeakable except to those of us who are nearest to it. Don't you understand that I sensor myself with you!? Don't you understand I can't even SPEAK of what actually happened? Don't you notice I avoid any descriptive detail to the questions you ask? This is for your sake!

I'm sorry. I had wanted this to be encouraging and uplifting and hopeful and restorative. I'm just... not there yet.