A New Axiom

Two tests on Wednesday of this week had the whole cohort spun up into a tizzy. It can be said that our type thrives on stress, so maybe that's what contributed to the tension everyone created for themselves. All that talk had me in a semi-panic when I realized how much I took to heart the idea of "balance" in this craziness and didn't study at all during 4th of July weekend. Yet from that temporary psychosis, a new axiom emerged: The most important thing is to become a kickass nurse.


But part of getting to that place is the growing pains of not being there yet. Not even close. I forget to count respiration rate on vitals all. the. time. Then what?! I've just been faking it on the charts. I even got semi-called out (in a nice way) by the nurse I was with this week and I still faked it. UGH! So stupid. I also have "student nurse" insecurity - I hate making the patient wait or try again just because I'm retarded! So embarrassing. *SO* humbling.

I've just never been challenged like this before. I've always been good at what I do or stayed away from what I suck at. This whole process is a blend of those two. Because of this, I am grateful to have some life experience and a not-fresh-out-of-college maturity level to fall back on. I'm OK with my weaknesses to improve on. I'm even okay with them being publicly exposed! The most important thing is to become a kickass nurse. 


On the floor this week, I recognized a family member of a patient about to get discharged into hospice care. Suffice it to say that was bizarre for both of us, but ultimately a great reminder that this work is not isolated. The patient probably has another week or two in her so for now the highest priority was pain management. She was in a lot of it. But the PCA and I began to give her a bed bath anyway - gently with the warm towel over her swollen legs... firm grasp over her shoulders to roll her on her side... whispering encouragement that it was almost over... loosely locking my fingers in her hand as we waited for the EMTs to ready her transport. She was not able to formulate many words between her drowsiness and difficulty orienting herself, but she offered a decisive "thank you" before she left.

I hope I'm the kind of nurse who will always consider it a privilege to participate in personal care. For now though, I hope I'm the kind of student who remembers the most important thing is to become a kickass nurse.

The Type of Life Being Led

Harold: What is wrong with you? I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind when given the choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes!?

Dr. Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes


Firstly, let's agree that this quote from the movie Stranger than Fiction from a few years ago (and previously posted on this blog way back when) is hilarious and a comedic high point for Dustin Hoffman and Will Ferrell's characters in the film. It makes me laugh on a basic level... but moreover I love how they scratch up against the concept of how we CHOOSE to live our lives. Doesn't choosing between pancakes or life truly depend on the individual pancake up against the individual life? 


On the floor this week I had patients who have made decisions that have brought them to a place where they just might chose pancakes. Diabetes and alcohol abuse and Hep C and failure to thrive. And I had patients this week who, like Harold, want to live. 


An elderly partially-English speaking patient with beautiful long hair, a husband with kind eyes, and grandkids to get home to came into the hospital with ankle and knee pain. She left with a shiny new walker. I worry about if the walker will serve as more of a hindrance than a help to her longevity as she comes to rely on it more and more. But her eyes were bright, her medication was minimal, and her eagerness to get back to living her life with her family is proving to be more important in patient outcomes than I ever realized. Before she discharged, she told me in broken English that I chose a wonderful profession that will really help people - and to guard my smile and optimism closely. 


Another patient had been battling breast cancer since 1997 and done everything in the medical arsenal to kill it; unsuccessfully. She's one of a very small group receiving experimental chemo treatments now, and came to us because of pneumonia risk. Short of breath, exhausted, weak. She vomited up her breakfast the moment she attempted it, and wearily told us that that hasn't been a symptom for her until this new therapy. The chaplain was doing rounds shortly after and she invited him in for communion while I was in there for vitals. I made myself scarce in the corner of the room while he spoke the Lord's Prayer over her and I literally forced tears back into my eyes, willing them not to spill in front of the patient. I wondered at what drove her to fight for 14 years like this, but when I heard about her two doctor daughters and saw her teenage granddaughter sitting by her bed later in the day, I understood that the decision was inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led. 

The Furnace

14 Long at the Med Center is 1/3 chemo, 1/3 medicine, and 1/3 palliative care. The chemo side is quiet - doors closed except for the few passers through. Patients in their beds and maybe a family member plinking away at a laptop to pass the time. The medicine hall is kind of a mystery to me so far - some doors are open with daytime TV drifting out into the hallway. Others are closed, but judging from the bold lettered signs next to the precautionary gowns, gloves, and masks you have to put on to before going inside, it's a good thing they are! By far the most activity is on the palliative wing, where family groups are gathered at doorways - allowing one or two at a time in to say their goodbyes. There's a beautiful solarium at the corner of the palliative hall that feels like a crows nest overlooking the skyline and the Golden Gate and the sea. A reminder that life is still happening to all the lookers-out.

So on every Thursday and Friday this summer from 7-4pm, that's where I will be. Struggling to stay out of the nurses way but still learn from what they're doing. Attempting to be useful with the so-far-not-very-extensive skills I learn in lab. Willing my hands to avoid the nervous shakes when I take a patient's vitals. Praying to all things holy that I don't mess up... at least not too badly.

14 Long will force me to put my head down, dig deep, and keep my sense of humor. I don't really know what I was expecting, but I can tell you this: Last week when I was leaning against the wall with a classmate- our eyes wide, our discomfort palpable- I started to giggle. "Welp. I guess this is the furnace," I said, "And we just got thrown right in." 

Little Miss Brand New Start

To say that this week marks the beginning of a journey would be neglecting everything that led to this point: working like it depended on me and praying like it depended on God to get me into an Anatomy class for Summer 2009... realizing that I, too, wanted my life to be about service at Denny Hastert's retirement dinner... trekking to Georgetown Minimed school with Liz in Spring 2007(?)... visiting a rural health clinic in las afueras in San Jose, Costa Rica in 2005. So really, like so many things in life, this is another chapter of a bigger story. A long, involved, detailed, important chapter. 

What I'm thinking about a lot is how God is redeeming so many disappointments through this opportunity. I hated my undergrad social experience at GW - it was a dark, lonely time that I have always carried a chip on my shoulder about. Here I am surrounded by 75 motivated, friendly, helpful, open-hearted, high-capacity people. I mourned the loss of my house in DC - not only the awesomeness of that townhouse and the vicinity to the metro and my walk-in closet and personal bathroom, but also the HOME it was to my friends, roommates, and me. Now my DC peach room has metamorphosed into an SF orange room with roommates who pontificate about the matrices in health care, prove that artist and starving don't have to go arm in arm, and manipulate a bacteria colony into the most delicious fizzy kombucha you can imagine. 

I wore scrubs today for the first time. The khaki bottoms and hunter green tops make us stick out like sore thumbs as people who have zero idea as to what they're doing. I don't mind. I'm proud. I'm inspired. I'm... ready. 

Spring Reads

As luck would have it, I did indeed have ample time to attack my stack of vacation books. I've been really trying to whittle them down before school starts since Lord knows what will happen once I'm in the throes of the 4th Edition of "Understanding Pathophysiology"...

"I feel ambivalent about selling my services in a world where some can't buy them. You can feel ambivalent about that, because you should feel ambivalent." 

"I think whenever a people has enormous resources, it is easy for them to call themselves democratic. I think of myself more as a physician than an American... Look, I am very proud to be an American. I have many opportunities because I'm an American. I can travel freely throughout the world, I can start projects, but that's called a privilege, not democracy." 

A couple of the girls I met when I interviewed at UCSF mentioned Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder to me when I told them I was interviewing for an Advanced Community Health and International Nursing specialty. This book chronicles the work of Dr. Paul Farmer and his home base clinic in the mountains of  (pre-earthquake) Haiti. It is his story, of course, but it also focuses on how Dr. Farmer's methods of combating TB and Multi-Drug Resistant TB have affected the World Health Organization's approach to the disease worldwide. It was a fascinating and timely book for me. Might get a little boggy-downy for the non-medically interested reader, but if you're into the "health as social justice" movement... it is a must read.

Oh my GOSH. The Hunger Games. SO. STINKIN. GOOD. Let's back up... I was poking around the bookstore listening to Sarah and Vinnie (my never-miss-a-second morning radio show) and Sarah started RAVING about the book she snatched from her preteen son and how she read it in one sitting the night before because she couldn't put it down. Since I am quite secure in my identity as a reader, I have no qualms about taking up with a worthy teen fiction series (although I do acknowledge that Twilight was nothing more than a guilty pleasure). And like Sarah, I busted through The Hunger Games at lightning speed. The quick synopsis is this... it's set in kind of a post-apocalyptic America that has been divided into twelve districts. Every year, one male and one female between the ages of 12-17 are selected to represent their districts at the Rockies-based capitol where a HUGE television-ready outdoor arena has been set up for them to fight each other to the death until the sole victor emerges. "Tributes" are required to survive harsh conditions, hunger, limited resources, whatever the Gamemakers throw at them to make it more interesting for the watching world, and of course - each other. That summary should tip you off to whether you should pick it up or not... some people love this stuff, some don't. It's fine. But I am DYING to get my paws on Book Two.

"The moment he walked into the shop I knew he was going to be my kind of trouble. Some people carry a charge, you know - you can see it in their colors, and his were the pale yellow-blue flare of a gas jet turned very low that could explode at any time."

The Girl with No Shadow by Joanne Harris is the sequel to one of my favorite stories called Chocolat. I am a little embarrassed to admit I only saw the Johnny Depp and Juliette Binoche movie and didn't actually read the book. Oh well, the movie is one of my favorites so I still feel protective over my claim on it. I pledge now to read the book. As for the sequel, it's kind of a same main characters in a same same but different situation in a same same but different community. But the sequel's storyline is driven around... well... witchcraft. Was Chocolat the book like this? There are wonderful mystical elements in the movie... was "mystical" actually "occult" in the book? In any case, it's a full-on fact in this book that Vianne is a witch and so is Anouk and also the Vianne-Roux lovechild named Rosette. And it's kind of a "good witches" against the "bad witch" villain story. Ok wow, this really was a weird book, wasn't it? I admit I liked some of the writing and got through it quickly, but if you're going to read Joanne Harris... read The Five Quarters of the Orange, which was wonderful I recall. 

Ok last one. Confession: I haven't finished it. I've been trying to get through it for about three months now. My mom and Linda Carey RAVED about this book and I think they just got my expectations a little too high. So high, in fact, that when I read Roy Goble's "Junkyard Wisdom" blogpost on it (click here!), I was determined to get through the book armed with an arsenal of reasons he was dead wrong about Dr. Verghese needing a major length overhaul. Well Roy... here I am three months later... only half way through... and standing very, VERY corrected. For the record, I echo Roy's thoughts on wonderful characters in a great story. But I, too, cannot get past the wordiness.  

Don't you wanna curve away?

Off to Palm Springs for Kayti and Carrie's "every odd year" getaway!

This year's agenda?
1. Pool
2. Pool
3. Pool

So... a slightly less aggressive trip than our past Jamaica, Europe, or Vegas to say the least. Hoping for a very productive week of reading though!

UPDATE: #15 Paint on Canvas

I presented my work from the semester in front of my painting class this week as a final assignment. So I thought it only appropriate to showcase them here as well - because, faithful blog readers, you deserve to see the good, the bad, and the ugly :)

First, my color chart... which I am quite proud of...

Nextly, my abstract... which I also like but did very early in the semester so want to re-do now that I have some extra tricks in my arsenal.

Annnnnd... my still life. Let's just say it is probably not done, but I am DONE with IT...

This is my landscape, which I did from a picture I took in Tahoe about ten years ago. Pretty crazy, right? 

And lastly, my first attempt at a portrait. I did this one from a photo I found of a Salvador de Bahia, Brazil woman - one of the gorgeous black women in the white dresses and colorful head dresses that sell street food in Salvador. I need to make her skin tone brighter so she doesn't recede into the background so much. 

A Napa Birthday for Nicku

I've said before in this blog that one of the sweetest blessings of this last year is my heart group. Those eight women have been a source of encouragement, support, prayer, commitment, growth and LOTS of laughs.

So when one of us turns 30... it's time to break out the heels and good pearls! Nicku planned a BEAUTIFUL birthday celebration on the Napa Wine Train last night with family and friends both local and visiting from out of town!

The birthday girl is someone who is always quick to respond and up for anything. She is my res-walking, bachelor-watching, puppy-sharing, soul-disclosing friend. She is willing, introspective, social, enthusiastic, supportive... and girl has got some TASTE!

Wishing you love, friendship, and blessings unimaginable in your 30s, Nicku... so glad you are in my life!

Hiking Season is BACK

And in the words of Jenn Kleist, "We're going to kick that mountain in the FACE!"

My light blue Camelpack has been my trusty solo-hiking companion for over four years now. I keep some basic safety stuff in there like a compass (along with the directions on how the use it since I have no clue whatsoever), a whistle (to ummm... scare away animals?? make known my wilderness location to rescuers??), some mostly-blister-fighting-first aid items, gum, and a lighter. I used to carry a dinky little swiss army knife but after seeing 127 hours, I'm convinced I need something much more heavy duty in the event I need to cut off my arm. (Seriously. I could have to cut off my arm sometime.)

My Merrells are a little snug but I don't think I'd like them bigger either. I usually download some Sarah and Vinnie podcasts, peruse www.bahiker.com for a game plan on what hike to take (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that site!), load up on almonds/snap peas/Luna bars, fill up my hydration pack (which is leaking/sweating by the way... I guess I need to visit REI for a new one), soak myself in sunscreen, and GO.

I did two different Las Trampas Regional Wilderness hikes recently - I started both in the main staging area off Bolinger Canyon and went right through the cattle gate up to the Las Trampas Ridge trail to the peak for the first hike. For the second, I went to the left and followed the Elderberry Trail up to the Rocky Ridge Trail and back down through the Cuesta Trail. There are some great elevation-change butt burners on both but more treacherous is the INSANE wind coming off the Bay for the mile or so you tightrope walk along the Rocky Ridge that has views of Mt. Diablo on one side and the Bay on the other. Of course, I'll take some wind over the 100+ enormous grazing COWS I had to navigate through on the Cuesta Trail. Sometimes I could walk around them but if they were in a tree grove on a narrow trail, suffice it to say I was like Vicki from Parent Trap banging sticks together to "scare the mountain lions."

This weekend, I joined Jenn Kleist and Rachel Higuera in their first hike of the season at another BA Hiker-recommended hike at Mt. Diablo State Park. We started on the Ygnacio Valley/Clayton side of the mountain early on Saturday morning.

It was definitely chilly, but we were glad to beat the trail-ruining rain last night! We started at a neighborhood trailhead to avoid paying state park entrance fees and did a 5-ish mile modified loop along Donner Canyon and Cardinet Oaks trails. There was a 550 ft to 1700 ft elevation change to add some challenge, but we made awesome time and felt amazingly invigorated. Cheesily enough, we even appreciated some of BA Hiker's info about the foliage and geology along the trail.

When I hike around here, I am further reminded how special of a place California is. It's unbelievable to me that I live within 10 minutes of some amazing state parks with full trail systems that are surprisingly well kept and used. The views from summits don't disappoint... and the friendliness of the hiking community certainly doesn't either. So get your butts moving, people! Not all of you are lucky enough to live where I live, but I challenge you to find the trails in your area and kick them in the FACE!

Yeah, Everybody Gotta Get Away Sometime...

It ain't Hill Country, but a trip to Houston still calls for some Pat Green or Robert Earl Keen on the ipod.

As the countdown to starting school begins, I have managed to sneak in a few trips on the calendar including visiting Rachel a few weekends ago. I love me some Texas but I am really Austin-biased. So needless to say, Houston challenged my high esteem just a bit ;) 

No really, all jokes aside, I love visiting anywhere new - especially if it means seeing good friends and living in their world for a few days. Rachel lives in a beautiful apartment complex with a ZEN POOL (!!!) in the middle of it that we took full advantage of during the days I was there. I definitely went at the right time of year because any later than April/May would have been death heat for this temperate-loving Northern Californian.

Serendipitously, I came on a weekend Rachel and her friends were signed up for a) a champagne brunch and Royal Wedding viewing party at a cute local restaurant and b) the "Crawl for Cancer" bar crawl. There were teams of about 10-12 people who all got assigned different colored shirts. Some teams just wore the shirts, others went "80s", and our team was a VERY creative "where's waldo?" theme. I'll say no more.

It goes without saying that Texans can and do eat like no other. Anyone who visits Texas would be remiss not to make SURE to get some good TexMex and BBQ and we managed to squeeze in both despite burning zero calories the entire time since Houstonians drive EVERY. WHERE. TexMex after the bar crawl was unreal - queso and all, David McWilliams - but Goode's Co. BBQ took the stinkin' cake. You basically chose whatever meat you want (brisket, duh) and it comes with two "vegetable" sides. Apparently Texas understands how to eat, but doesn't grasp what a vegetable is because my side options were - no joke - jambalaya, two kinds of baked beans, potato salad, or macaroni salad. Am I missing something?

Rachel lives directly across the street from Joel Osteen's church, so once we figured out he was actually scheduled to speak that Sunday, it was a no-brainer that we were going. I would be lying if I said my hands weren't flailing around in the air to the awesome music and shouting some hallelujahs and amens and God is good all the times'. And Joel and his wife Victoria most certainly were in the Lord's house that Sunday... prosperity, positivity, encouragement message and all. I'll keep my impressions about it all off the written word on this one, but Jen said it best when I was telling her about it: "I mean, I'm not saying there's anything WRONG with being a televangelist or anything... but that doesn't make it not WEIRD." Amen, hallelujah. 

Great weekend with Rach and getting to know Holly. Rachel knows southern hospitality... so now I just need to get her to personally sail that ship right into the San Francisco Bay.

Hosanna!

As Semana Santa has rolled around for another year, I am reminded of John Piper's devotional on the word Hosanna. Jesus as the "new Hosanna" and causing the word to evolve from "plea to praise; from cry to confidence" is a truth to celebrate this Easter.

Hosanna - Palm Sunday
By John Piper


I know one of the concerns of the children's music ministry is that the children understand what they are singing and that they mean it. And I share that concern for our people. In a moment the choir will sing a song called, "Hosanna, Hosanna!" And after that we all will sing a song which begins: "Hosanna in the highest!" So I want to give a little lesson in Greek and Hebrew, to make sure we all know what the New Testament means when it says in three different places, "Hosanna to the Son of David!" (Matthew 21:9, 15); or, "Hosanna in the highest!" (Mark 11:9, 10); or simply, "Hosanna!" (John 12:13).

A Lesson in Greek and Hebrew

You all know that the New Testament was first written in Greek, and the Old Testament was first written in Hebrew. Wherever the word "hosanna" occurs in the New Testament, do you know what the Greek word is? Right! It's "hosanna." All the English translators did was use English letters (h-o-s-a-n-n-a) to make the sound of a Greek word.

But if you look in a Greek dictionary to find what it means, you know what you find? You find that it is really not originally a Greek word after all. The men who wrote the New Testament in Greek did the same thing to a Hebrew word that our English translators did to the Greek word: they just used Greek letters to make the sound of a Hebrew phrase. I know this sounds sort of complicated. But it's really not. Our English word "hosanna" comes from a Greek word "hosanna" which comes from a Hebrew phrase hoshiya na.

And that Hebrew phrase is found one solitary place in the whole Old Testament, Psalm 118:25, where it means, "Save, please!" It is a cry to God for help. Like when somebody pushes you off the diving board before you can swim and you come up hollering: "Help, save me . . . Hoshiya na!"

A Shift in Meaning

But something happened to that phrase, hoshiya na. The meaning changed over the years. In the psalm it was immediately followed by the exclamation: "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" The cry for help, hoshiya na, was answered almost before it came out of the psalmist's mouth. And over the centuries the phrase hoshiya na stopped being a cry for help in the ordinary language of the Jews. Instead it became a shout of hope and exultation. It used to mean, "Save, please!" But gradually, it came to mean, "Salvation! Salvation! Salvation has come!" It used to be what you would say when you fell off the diving board. But it came to be what you would say when you see the lifeguard coming to save you! It is the bubbling over of a heart that sees hope and joy and salvation on the way and can't keep it in.

So "Hosanna!" means, "Hooray for salvation! It's coming! It's here! Salvation! Salvation!"

And "Hosanna to the Son of David!" means, "The Son of David is our salvation! Hooray for the king! Salvation belongs to the king!"

And "Hosanna in the highest!" means, "Let all the angels in heaven join the song of praise. Salvation! Salvation! Let the highest heaven sing the song!"

Two Kinds of Hosannas

Picture a Super Bowl game, and (believe it or not) the Vikings are three points ahead of the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers are on their own 35 and have no more time outs. There are two seconds remaining on the clock. The Vikings' fans are going wild. The Steelers line up, fake a pass to the receivers on the left sideline, and run a wide sweep around the right end, and the quarterback breaks into the open and heads down the right sideline—40 - 45 - 50 - 45. The only hope for the Vikings is Willie Teal, the safety, cutting a diagonal across the field. And out of the Vikings' grandstand come two kinds of hosannas, the old kind and the new kind. One part of the crowd is yelling: "Catch him! Catch him, Willie!" (That's the old hosanna.) The other part of the crowd is yelling, "You got him! You got him, Willie!" (That's the new hosanna.) The word moved from plea to praise; from cry to confidence.

So when we sing "Hosanna" now, let's make it very personal. Let's make it our praise and our confidence. The Son of David has come. He has saved us from guilt and fear and hopelessness. Salvation! Salvation belongs to our God and to the Son! Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!

Innocents Abroad Too

Dr. Michael Pearson is a Professor of Creative Writing for the MFA program at Old Dominion University and sailed on Semester at Sea in 2002 and 2006. I wasn't on either of his voyages, nor have I personally met him, but obviously I couldn't pass up a book with a title like Innocents Abroad Too: Journeys Around the World on Semester at Sea :)

I wrote Dr. Pearson the following note, which will serve as my review and hopefully encourage the Semester at Sea community to support his work:

Dear Dr. Pearson,

I just completed reading Innocents Abroad Too and felt compelled to write you. I am a SAS alum from the Spring 2004 voyage, so I could relate to many of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences from encountering conversations on American involvement in Iraq (Spring 04 marked the one year anniversary of invasion) to "previously svelte young women" turning into sumo wrestlers thanks to the unending food on board (a fate I myself encountered). I, too, followed yellow flagged guides through through Tiananmen Square and bought a still-sometimes-functioning Mao watch, learned pedestrian tips for Saigon, believe firmly that nothing can prepare someone for India, and left my valuables on board in Salvador. I appreciated your ability to verbalize feelings of heart break but still needing to keep "on path" in dealing with India's street kids, how somewhere like Burma necessitates more truth and fearlessness, and strategies on how to shut Fidel the hell up. Of course I identify as a fellow global adventurer, Dr. Pearson, but I would be remiss not to say what a beautiful read your book is. It moves, it has self-depricating moments, it's not as stuffy and self-righteous as so many travel memoirs can be. My only complaint is feeling protective over my own SAS voyage experience that seems to be shared by all of us no matter what voyage we sailed. A sweet problem to share.

Carrie

30 before 30: #10 Eat dinner at Chez Panisse

My earliest memory of a famous restaurant and chef is thanks to a beautiful children's book called "Fanny at Chez Panisse" that explores Alice Water's world from kitchen to food through the eyes of a little girl. It is one of my most beloved books from childhood - so it makes total sense that an adult foodie would have eating dinner at Chez Panisse on her bucket list.

Since I moved home in 2009, I have rolled up all the loose change we accumulated in our piggy bank (which is actually a cow bank but who's mooing?) and saved the cash for an occasion to celebrate. Acceptance into UCSF was just that occasion, so celebrate we did :)

When we walked into this little Berkeley house-restaurant, we were hit with the coziness of the dining room that sits adjacent to the gorgeous open kitchen. What I wouldn't do to stand and watch that kitchen for a service. From the fresh asparagus resting upright in a jar of water to the chickens rotating over open flame to a glimpse of Alice herself, I was in heaven.

We started with Sorelle Bronca Prosecco and ripe green olives (a rarity - apparently one of my mom's favorite things that she has only been able to find at Diablo Foods). The first course was dungeness crab toast with lemon mayonnaise and a little Gem salad. Really light and fresh - I desperately want to recreate the herb vinaigrette. We were also very close to stealing the cute Chez Panisse-etched water carafe before the braised pork belly with green lentils (my favorite course of the night) were served.

The main third course was spit-roasted Bill Niman chicken with herb butter and sherry-vinegar sauce; spring vegetable and black trumpet ragout and at that point we all had made the switch to the Leonetti Sangiovese we brought with us. I am extremely skeptical of a Sangiovese from Walla Walla, Washington (or any wine from Washington that matter) but I stand wildly corrected since this was truly delicious and a perfect pairing for the meal. A Pink Lady apple and sour cherry jalousie tart with kirsch ice cream was served for dessert and came with a "Congratulations" sign on my plate (nice touch Chez Panisse!). Normally a prix fixe meal is not my favorite - why go to a renown restaurant only to have the entire table experience the exact same food? But actually, that's exactly why prix fixe is genius for a meal like this. We all experienced the exact same food at the exact same time. We considered it, discussed it, and enjoyed it. There was no stress over what to order or regret in your choice once it was made. The whole experience was simple. The Art of Simple Food, if you will.

Harvesting with Joy

UCSF College of Nursing

February 23, 2011

Dear Carrie Shaffer:

I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to the Masters Entry Program in Nursing (MEPN) at the University of California San Francisco beginning Summer 2011. We welcome you and wish you success in your studies.

(Logistics, Logistics)

Congratulations on your acceptance and welcome to the UCSF community. We are confident you will find your experience with us academically rewarding.

~ ~ ~

Sometimes during sporting events that aren't going so well for the home team, the announcers will say something to the effect of "this crowd is just waiting to erupt -- this stadium is waiting to explode with triumph." Well that is how these last five months have felt. Constantly on the cusp... expectant... just waiting to erupt. Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. Like the crowd that explodes in triumph when the game winning touchdown, home run, or goal is scored, every cell in my body elevated to the heavenly realms in pure exultation when I read "admitted."

And I know well that all glory, honor, power is Yours, Lord.

"Not-me" Me

I met with a friend this week to catch up.

I've been treading water, close to the other shore but not able to make a sprint to it yet. Just treading for now.

Doing what I should be doing. Repeat.

Doing what I should be doing. Repeat.

My friend told me I seem to be living by the spirit. Not based on me telling him I am doing what I should be doing, but in response to me talking about waiting and matchmaking (or not) and going off the grid.

Anyway, he had a point. And - (deep breath for run-on fragmented thoughtstream) - I wonder if the stuff I do or think that doesn't feel characteristically "me" *is* what it means to be living by the spirit. Like is that "not-me" me actually the spirit and I am being supernaturally motivated? Can it be so subtle and subconscious? Can it be concurrent with the countless little and big parts of my life I DON'T surrender?

What I'm trying to say is... can someone be a wretch and a saint at the same time?

What I'm also trying to say is... I think my friend might be right about this presence. Getting here has been costly, but living this way is effortless.

30 before 30: #15 Paint on Canvas

The sea of science-heavy courses I waded through in the last two years has incited my neural cortex to tap into networks it has never used before. It has been an amazing experiment because somehow, someway I defied my english lit and political theory-trained brain and became a scientist. And while this is all very surprising and exciting, it also can be... extremely boring.

In my school electives, I never once took an art class. I remember taking a clay class and a drawing class at the Lafayette Community Center but I believe I was all of 6-8 years old at the time. This personal history is probably fine and understandable since the bulk of my creative energy has always been elevated in my writing and I showed no particular aptitude for art. But now I'm an adult who never took an art class.

Enter Beginning Painting.



Despite being enrolled in the most time consuming class known to the medical field this semester (Organic Chemistry), on Monday afternoons you will find me in Berkeley City College's fifth floor art studio alongside a fantastic conglomerate of overweight scraggly gray haired hippies, fresh out of high school dark lipsticked hipsters, buttoned up eyeglassed asians, and a few oakland-raised black athletes who need an easy A to keep their scholarships (all of this would be racist if it weren't true). Between the demonstration on how to make paint from dandelions you grow in your back yard to artsy fartsy videos that describe process to spending a few hours at Blick Art wandering around with my supply list to having the actual space and time to just TRY, I am profoundly stimulated.



Stimulated, yes. Good at it? Absolutely not. I'm a god-awful painter. What a glorious place to be when there is no real consequence to failure.

International Film Showcase at the Orinda Theatre

Although I am deeply envious of the people who are committed to reading the Sunday Times week after week, I have never been much of a newspaper person. As such, I am sure I regularly miss out on interesting tidbits or local events. So one advantage to living with newsie parents is having a mom who literally clips out articles and ads she thinks I should see. Last week, it was this article from the Contra Costa Times: "Orinda film buffs bring passion for Foreign Cinema home" which also featured the following picture of none other than my beloved friend Dori's dad, Efi Lubliner...

Efi is a long time film buff who also screens films for festivals and laments the fact that the Bay Area might never see some of the films he is exposed to due mostly to underfunding for a more widespread release. And so, the Lamorinda Film and Entertainment Foundation (www.ifef.org) brought the Norwegian Film called "Max Manus" to the historical Orinda Theatre for a limited engagement and intends to follow up with a new foreign film each month.

This weekend, your average theatre is showing visual vomit like Sanctum, The Roommate, The Rite, and No Strings Attached. If you share my disdain of these money and time wasters, you ought to go out and support a beautiful little local theatre and the efforts of a handful of your neighbors who are trying to contribute something special to our community. "Max Manus" screenings have been extended to February 10th and the next film is called "Illegal" and begins screening on February 25th.

30 before 30: #28 Consistently identify a constellation other than the Big Dipper

Well... If three times is "consistent" then I can check this one off the list.

I understand that Orion is not the most difficult or obscure of the constellations to identify, but on December 21, 2010 I was introduced to each individual star thanks to Jedd Goble's expertise.

Roy summoned us away from the Catan game to the front of the house were the lunar eclipse was in its very early stages. Jedd had received a telescope for one of his boyhood Christmases and managed to find it, dust it off, and set it up in time for us to see each stage of the eclipse... AND try to fulfill one of my 30 before 30s while we were at it.

I found Orion in Tahoe when it stopped snowing for a moment last week. And again tonight when my mom and I were taking out the trash. She was very disinterested and unimpressed. Bah.

So Orion it is! I also will need to find a summer constellation to learn, I think... so that I can always consistently identify a constellation other than the big dipper no matter what the season. Is it too early to schedule a lesson, Jedd?

2010

Soundtrack of 2010: Needtobreathe The Heat and Outsiders

Most ridiculous TV show I watched that isn't Big Brother: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Best new-to-me discovery: Lafayette Library and Sideboard Cafe in Danville

Place I wish I could un-discover: Sacks in Berkeley

Best way of redeeming time: Audiobooks during my commute

Worst way of wasting time: Settlers of Catan iPhone app

Most effective personal enrichment initiative: 30 before 30 list

Best thing I cooked for the first time: Boeuf Bourginon

Worst thing I cooked for the last time: Eggplant dip

Food high: Rosemary Cashews

Food low: Meat sweats in Argentina

Best reason to be in the Bay Area this year: Giants postseason and World Series!

Most unexpected joy: A little room above a Tango studio in San Telmo

Recommendation Godsends: Ben Getto and Rachel Goble Carey

Best rediscovery: Speaking Spanish

Strongest spiritual message: God's timing is better than mine. By alot.

Random act of cross-generational culture: Taking Hannie to Annie at Regional Center but failing to keep her awake for the second half

Stupidest money expenditure: Upgrading to Business class from BA to DC

Biggest failure: Big fat UIC rejection

Greatest blessing: Heart group

Day that has prompted future blacklisting from calendars for thieving the world of Praise Goh: October 25th

Top music moment: Camaron Ochs live at Swirl

Favorite Julie blonde moment: Asking if Chris Tomlin was singing at Geoff's funeral.

Grape of the year: Old vine zin

Most disgusting and connecting human moment: Thai woman and I exchanging looks of utter disgust from a man spitting loudly next to us in the street

Cutest thing that happened at all: Keira

Craziest and most wonderful thing that happened to a friend: Julie Fox getting Zeke

Best after midnight moment: post-Disneyland McDonalds run with Taylor and Jacob

Not my finest moment: Outing a friend who isn't "out" yet

Best book I read all year: The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Best place to invite myself over to: Roy and D'Aun Goble's home

Most embarrassing moment: Going ass over head in the very front of a room of 70 women on the first day of bible study when my chair broke

Best "What's in her bag": Pure Illumination Lipgloss

Most despised Catan opponent: Kevin Carey

Best part of my daily routine: Sarah and Vinnie at Alice 97.3

Smartest realization: I am too old for shots

Even more fun after all these years: Disneyland

Favorite past time: Trying to remember 1990s sunday school or camp songs

Things I'll continue to stand by: Halloween is dumb and I am too pretty to do math

Things I have to reconsider my original stance on: Dogs and Chemistry

Best made-for-TV moment: Spotting Patrick in the Sunday street fair crowd from my corner table cafe perch in Buenos Aires

Best Pandora Station: Ace of Base

"ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!" moment: Helicopter tour with Mom and Dad on Kauai

Most awesome butt buddy: Jen Weaver

Still feels good: Tahoe

Lesson learned about olive farming: Planting is a lot of work and picking isn't so bad!

Biggest community travesty: Yellow Wood closing its doors

Best thing to say to someone before they testify in court: "I will give you a thousand dollars if you do your whole testimony with an accent."

News story I actually followed: Johannes Meserle trial and verdict

Most important human moment: With Brennan in the hotel at Paul's wedding

There's a first time for everything: Gutting a sturgeon for dinner

Something that could take many categories to describe: Losing Geoff to cancer

Most uncomfortable place I felt comfortable: Soi Cowboy red light district in Bangkok

Still my favorite person to discuss "the times" with: Sweeting

Irresponsible but awesome Aunt Carrie moment: Teaching 13 year old Taylor how to drive

Favorite thing to encourage Kyle to say: I right, you wrong!

Favorite thing to encourage Nathan to say: Pick, roll, flick.

How I will remember 2010: A year characterized by the unimaginable lows of cancer, death, rejection, sacrifice, and refreshed trauma. A year redeemed in part by the simplest joys, overwhelming grace, and a continued capacity for hope.

But things never happen the same way twice...

In honor of Dawn Treader's release, I am reposting my favorite Aslan-Lucy exchange of the entire Chronicles that so embodies the Lord's sweetness and tenderness in putting up with me:

"Welcome, child" he said.
"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."
For a time she was so happy that she did not want to speak. But Aslan spoke.
"Lucy," he said, "we must not lie here for long. You have work in hand, and much time has been lost today."
"Yes, wasn't it a shame?" said Lucy. "I saw you all right. They wouldn't believe me. They're all so -"
From somewhere deep inside Aslan's body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.
"I'm sorry," said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. "I didn't mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn't my fault anyway, was it?"
The Lion looked straight into her eyes.
"Oh, Aslan," said Lucy. "You don't mean it was? How could I - I couldn't have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I? Don't look at me like that... oh well, I suppose I could. Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?"
Aslan said nothing.
"You mean," said Lucy rather faintly, "that it would have turned out all right - somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?"
"To know what would have happened, child?" said Aslan. "No. Nobody is ever told that."
"Oh dear," said Lucy.
"But anyone can find out what will happen," said Aslan. "If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me - what will happen? There is only one way of finding out."
"Do you mean that is what you want me to do?" gasped Lucy.
"Yes, little one," said Aslan.
"Will the others see you too?" asked Lucy.
"Certainly not at first," said Aslan. "Later on, it depends."
"But they won't believe me!" said Lucy.
"It doesn't matter," said Aslan.
"Oh dear, oh dear," said Lucy. "And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you'd let me stay. And I thought you'd come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away - like last time. And now everything is going to be horrid."
"It is hard for you, little one," said Aslan. "But things never happen the same way twice. It has been hard for us all in Narnia before now."
Lucy buried her head in his mane to hide from his face. But there must have been magic in his mane. She could feel lion-strength going into her. Quite suddenly she sat up.
"I'm sorry, Aslan," she said. "I'm ready now."