"Not-me" Me

I met with a friend this week to catch up.

I've been treading water, close to the other shore but not able to make a sprint to it yet. Just treading for now.

Doing what I should be doing. Repeat.

Doing what I should be doing. Repeat.

My friend told me I seem to be living by the spirit. Not based on me telling him I am doing what I should be doing, but in response to me talking about waiting and matchmaking (or not) and going off the grid.

Anyway, he had a point. And - (deep breath for run-on fragmented thoughtstream) - I wonder if the stuff I do or think that doesn't feel characteristically "me" *is* what it means to be living by the spirit. Like is that "not-me" me actually the spirit and I am being supernaturally motivated? Can it be so subtle and subconscious? Can it be concurrent with the countless little and big parts of my life I DON'T surrender?

What I'm trying to say is... can someone be a wretch and a saint at the same time?

What I'm also trying to say is... I think my friend might be right about this presence. Getting here has been costly, but living this way is effortless.