2nd Annual Summer Trip to Madison

I think it quite appropriate to make this a photo-heavy post. Madison trips are always a whirlwind. Jam packed with food and beers and putt-putts around the lake and me complaining that no one ever teaches me euchre and 867-5309 finger attempts and Wisconsin Fantasies coming true in the Corn Toss Tournament.

First... PATRICK! UGH it had been six months since I had seen him. Six awful - just AWFUL - months apart! I am pleased to report we slowly chipped away at the laundry list of serious conversations (role of "T" in the GLBT, monogamy, metaphysical body) we had been waiting to discuss and are sufficiently caught up. Linda caught multiple pictures of us being excluge but... well... that's nothing new and not going to change ha.



Night one we had a delicious dinner at Old Fashioned with Bill and Melissa - many a Spotted Cow, Big O, and cheese curds that disappeared in under 3 minutes. Not that I'm admitting to the crime. Then we met up with the Waubesa crew at Christy's. Here is some hilarity from that night with Cory, Eric, and Kelli...

An unplanned yet perfectly coordinated "up high" and "down low" by the brothers...


Aggressive fist pumping happens early at Christy's...


Yipes, Patrick. Patrick - 0, Cory - 1.


Look at their faces in this pic! Classic. Love that this is caught on camera.


Day Two! The weather was not as sexy as Cory's outfit so Rhythm and Booms got postponed until the next day. UGH! Ruined the plan! We were bummed, but we had a great fun day around the house and on the boat anyway :)


Farrah found a friend! Flo tried to convince everyone the fanny is coming back because she read that Madonna was wearing one in Africa or something. Really, Madonna? Could you not further embolden Flo?


Brothers don't shake hands... brothers cuddle.


No trip to Madison is complete without Flo and Bugs. We got into the forrest in like four spins and made tree-sitty-fo (as opposed to Flo's previous forrest showing of only sitty-two).

Corn Toss Tournament day just might be one of the best - if not THE best - day of the year. Better than Christmas I daresay. Here I am ready for the day with my Wisco/Sconi (or whatever it is you want to shorten it to) mug. Patrick didn't like the handle but I felt I had to overcompensate for my non-resident status.

 

We draw partners through matching cards... here's Team Stefatrick talking pre-game strategy.

"Hey, you wanna take a picture of your biggest fan?"

I love how you can scan this picture and see about a thousand little things that are going on (ie Josh and Chris gossiping like little girls by the bracket, Emily and Laurie shooting the breeze, Patrick giving a side five after a good toss... and is that Flo I spy back there social butterflying around?)

CLCTT Commissioner Cory dutifully filling out the bracket...

Too cute to leave out :) Patrick is abnormally excellent at self-takers.  

Bill and Cory emerged victorious and are two time defending champs. I swear I'm going to practice every single day for the next year so I can be more competitive. (That's a lie. I just lied.) Group shot 2009...

So due to the postponement from the day before, we finished up with the tournament and high-tailed it outta there to make it to Rhythm and Booms in time for Little Vito and the Torpedoes. I think we got there literally as they were starting their set. And let's just say I was QUITE in the mood to sing loudly and double fist pump. At one point, Patrick had this circle of little kids around him that were copying every dance move he was doing from shimmies to twists. It was just the most darling darn thing you've ever seen!

3 bags in the hole was my 2008 Wisconsin Fantasy but I'd say this picture is about as close as it gets to outdoing last year!

Taken during the Craig Scott 'Summer of 69' solo. Extreme audience air guitaring ensues as far as the eye can see. 

Kick ball-change, EXTEND!

Um. We were really hungry after scream-performing Boys II Men "End of the Road" in Eric's car on the ride home (complete with Cory taking it deep with the "Baby... I knew you were wit dat other fella... I just didn't care") so everyone went straight to the brats. I don't think Cory or Eric even waited long enough to heat theirs up. Cory is like... cavemanning his. 

When I was flying into Madison I was thinking how I could have never anticipated how special this place would become to me. I really love it there. I love the kind of fun we have, the kind of people I spend time with, the kind of retreat it provides. I love how they all love each other. And I, too, truly love them. 

Yellow Wood Coffee and Tea

I looooooooove Yellow Wood Coffee and Tea in Alamo Plaza. Bottomless cup of coffee (no refill charge... HELLO! NO REFILL CHARGE!) served in cute yellow mugs. Actually there's not anything particularly cute about the mugs but I like that they're yellow. I pick up what they're throwing down on that one.

It's a gorgeous cool 70* here today and the outside tables are packed with tennis moms getting their morning gossip. Inside, a bunch of old guys wearing vets hats swapping stories like only good old boys can, a couple quiet readers in comfy chairs by the tropical fish tank (classily done, I promise), and me... trying to ignore the guy next to me training new people on a web-based business tool and catching up on a million different things at a corner table.

Did I mention they have power outlets next to just about every table in the place? Mercy.

Patrick Kelly, get here quick(ly). It screams of us.

Mr. and Mrs. Ben Tompkins!

After a few "low heavy cloud" delays into SFO, shipmate Erin Maus made it to California soil for the very first time! We joked it is ridiculous she has been to the likes of Dar Es Salaam and Chennai but never to CALIFORNIA before now. It was a whirlwind, but we did an okay job of giving her the basic lay of the land which of course included a shared hot fudge sundae at Ghirardelli :). It has been June Gloom around here all month but the skies parted for Erin and we had an absolutely PERFECT day to walk the bridge on Saturday morning.



We picked up additional shipgirl Paige who was in the city having lunch with friends that morning. The feeling of reunion is so strong with these girls - but I do have to say Big Wiz was sorely missed. The interesting thing about Big Wiz for me is she is now so strongly associated with DC for me and it isn't until I'm back with the SAS girls that I am reminded of many parts of our relationship from those early days.

SOMEHOW we found a way to carry on without BW and ambled through the Berkeley hills up to the Brazil Room at Tilden Park for Erica Davidson's wedding to Ben Tompkins! Lately when I talk about friends, I find myself ending the conversation with "I love that friend... I don't know anyone else like her/him." Erica is no exception. I love Erica... I don't know anyone else like her. So with that spirit and the memories all the way back to Rancho swim meets through afternoons at Shannon and Christie's in elementary school to romping around Beijing in an loathing haze, I was overjoyed to watch her say her vows to someone so wonderful and bathe in the happiness she so richly deserves.

This smile was big... even for Ers!



Gorgeous setting with the trees all around...



Cake cutting!



Girls with the bride (this after Erin and Paige tried to sneak in one WITHOUT me! Ugh.)


The wedding was such a great reason to get the SAS girls together and we have now tasked Paige with planning Greece 2010 (I will be taking a calm back seat to those details and let Paige carry the torch... my how far we've come, huh Paige! ha). It was also very fun getting to see a BUNCH of long lost pals from Erica's class or Burton Valley such as DORI who I just love and am excited is back in the area.

Of course any California visit would be incomplete without a trip (or two) to In-N-Out, so we indulged (Not my fault! We were on our way to the Roundup when Erin passed out so the alternative was... well... food):

Paige is really excited for her burger!



Except... not so much for the "spread"... I guess I now understand why I have never heard of someone getting the sauce on the side before. Yuck.



As BW so appropriately commented... these are the exact same faces we made after the Ambassador's Ball dessert table (and by dessert table I mean the one we built for OURSELVES from the REAL dessert table. Oh my god it is so gross thinking about that you guys haha).

Soft Launch

I think I'm back. I think I'm ready to be back. I was writing in my personal journal the other day (well, what I should say is I started a personal journal the other day) and forgot how lovely it is to put thoughts to pen. Or screen, in this case.

Much has happened that I cannot recount fully. Thanksgiving in Madison, a whirlwind trip to Santa Barbara to surprise the family for Christmas, and a dreamworld trip to Barcelona and Rome for New Years marked the holidays. Snapshots of dancing unabashed in the Barca apartment, absorbing the monks' organ practice in the Montserrat cathedral, standing in endless lines at Carre Four, waltzing through the streets arm in arm with Vincent, and the most warmly elegant dinner in the flat overlooking Piazza Navona in Rome come to mind. Truly, the most fulfilling possible use of those two weeks of life.

January was marked with the end of an era - certainly for my life, if not the country's. My decision to stay with the Boss until the end and to be the last to walk out the door with dear colleague-friends was important. Anyone who works or has worked in public office can understand this and the rest perhaps cannot.

Inauguration weekend was as historic as promised and perhaps will not be fully realized until time allows for context. I dove head first into it with gusto - standing in nose-numbing weather for U2 and Springsteen's sound checks at the Lincoln and the reflecting pool concert the next day. And for the Swearing-in itself, although the ill-fated "purple gate" was unforgiving and ultimately forfeited for a beer and tv screens of Chinatown's Green Turtle with Meredith, Remy, and Lo.

Ah, but that was to be twice redeemed by the best seat - or press stand, shall I say - of the night at the first inaugural Neighborhood Ball where the President and his Lady gave their first dance away to Beyonce's "At Last." And Denzel and Mariah and Faith and Mary J and Shakira and Queen Latifah and Vanessa Williams and Alicia Keys and Leonardo DiCaprio and Jay-Z and Sting and Stevie. To name a few.

The Staff Ball followed on the next night despite utter exhaustion from the previous days. And to be a part of it all, for me, was like being a fly on the wall to someone else's party. But I showed up, listened, and tried to laugh... like I always try to do... and I am so glad I did. Because I was, ultimately, a most humbled beneficiary.

I left town having not grown tired of the Capitol Dome in my rearview mirror and having not lost the swell of pride come over me when writing "Washington, DC" as my return address. And that to me is a wonderful testament of my feelings towards the time and friends I left behind.

The long way home included stops in Buffalo, Chicago, Lincoln, and Denver but ultimately landed me in Tahoe for a few weeks of quiet and many, many naps.

March, April, and May passed without much incident except for the runnings of my mind and the wonderings of what to do next.

So in following the tone of this expose, I should announce that I have started on a new path towards getting my Masters of Science in Nursing and becoming a Nurse Practitioner. The lawyers of the world all seem miserable and the corporate world seems self-satisfying and I just don't think I like either of those options for myself. When asked, I haven't quite made the leap from "I am thinking of being a nurse practitioner" to "I am becoming a nurse practitioner" but now that I am spending my days learning about simple squamous epithelium and the histology of the nervous system, I'd say I am at least crawling towards that leap.

Thank you, dear friends, for your love and prayers in these months. Though so much is still unspeakable, thank you.

Christmas Hero 2008

On certain Sundays in November

I've always tried to make this blog uplifting and positive - tried not to over dramatize or be inappropriately introspective. November weekends have been filled with a trip to Chicago to see Patrick, a "Campo 02" reunion here in DC with Liz, Ali, V, and Dill, and Ben and Leila's wedding. All fun, all worthy of separate posts detailing the happenings.

I'm feeling that recounting how great something was - while real and true - feels fake. Or at least disingenuous.

And in the same vein, I don't want to post about what is really going on. It's too personal, too much to know that it's all out there for anyone to read. It's not that I'm ashamed or unwilling to discuss these things, but to have no control over who is reading it and when requires more of a comfort level than I'm ready for. Too much vulnerability.

So I'm not really sure when I'll be blogging again. I'm not sure when it will feel okay to write about the good things and not feel like an impostor who is not lending equal time to the unspeakable. I hate duplicity. And right now that is what blogging feels like.

Please be patient with me. I like having a chronicle, but perhaps my inability to write - my silence - speaks loudest about this time in my life.

So truth is...

in a certain feeling of permanence that presses around the moment. They are ordinary people, after all. For a time they had entered the world of the newspaper statistic; a world where any measure you took to feel better was temporary, at best, but that was over. This is permanent. It must be.

Reflections on Election Day - Past and Present

Of the many things Election Day 2008 brought with it, one aspect I was unprepared for was the flood of memories from Election Day 2006. I was in the suburbs of Chicago campaigning for Pete Roskam. I understand why people get addicted to campaigns. What a rush! What a feeling of community - of working TOWARDS something so tangible and with a hard deadline. You work very very hard and play harder. I understand the relief of a campaign being over. No more 16 hour days, no more emotional stress, no more 4 hours of sleep, no more living off of coffee, cigarettes, dunkin donuts, and papa johns. Campaigning is terrible for ones health. The funny thing (and this is true of many things in life I think) is by the time the trail bends around again two years later, you've forgotten all the awful things about it and only remember the great things. Hence, campaign addiction.

On Election Night 2006 I was in St. Charles, IL with Denny and all the staff. We knew it was going to be bad. Very bad. We knew we were done. I think there was still SOME hope though. It's funny how you hold out hope. I remember watching the results come in from the "war room" upstairs at the hotel. We lost the House and therefore our jobs in the leadership office. And yet, Denny won his district again so... the locals were celebrating at his victory party. Surreal! Kate and I had some laughs that night! There were these balloon towers in the lobby for the event and Chris grabs a whole huge balloon tower and is like... "The balloons are coming with me. I don't care what anyone says. I'm taking the balloon tower." Lots of drowning of sorrows in the hotel bar after the party and then later in the suite upstairs. Surprisingly, I feel a strong sense of nostalgia when I think about that night. Something I think only DC people who "get it" can understand. Then waking up the next morning, packing up, heading to the airport. Everyone very quiet, very melancholy. I have this picture of Shea and I at the airport faking a thumbs up with these totally downtrodden looks on our faces.

Fast forward to Election Day 2008. Different, obviously, because of the excitement (or dread as the case may be) for the Presidential election. It took me literally 8 minutes to vote from when I walked up to the precinct to when I left. Record time I think. Last night QB, Beth, David and I grabbed drinks at the St. Regis then headed over to the RNC party at the Capitol Hilton. Yale sang the National Anthem! And what to say of the mood? Hmm. The mood. It was resigned, I think. Resigned is the best word for it. Not sure what else to say on that front.

It was still pretty fun, though! Saw a ton of people from over the years and from a bunch of different offices. This town is SMALL. They announced Mr. Obama's victory.
I got teary, I'll admit. Not so much over the crushing defeat of Senator McCain, but because it signaled - truly signaled - the beginning of the end. David and I looked at each other and embraced.

Halloween Humor

(hold your offense, lefty friends, it's just in good fun :))

Happy Blog Birthday to Me!

Today is my blog's first birthday. I think it is perhaps the only thing I have stuck with throughout this whole year consistently :).

Excerpts

I still arrive in order to laugh and to cry
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that are alive.

My joy is like Spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom in all over the Earth.
My pain like a river of tears,
so vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and my pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up
and the door of my heart
could be left open,
the door of compassion.

-Taken from Call Me by My True Names by Thich Nhat Hanh

Trying

I've been trying to write something here for the past week. Trying to summarize what bible verses have encouraged me (Beauty from ashes, Joy instead of mourning, Praise instead of heaviness) or what has been on my playlist (Matt Redman, Elza). Something clean and something to go back to; or start from.

Nothing feels clean, though.

I imagine - I pray - there will not be too many situations in my life where I legitimately have to rely on my entire support system at one time. Northern California, Santa Barbara, Chicago, Michigan, Texas, Boston, Pennsylvania, New York, Washington, DC, Paris. Family, friends, coworkers, church and local communities. All over the Hill, DOE, the WH, NCC. Emails, meals, prayers, phone calls, texts, moving us out of the house and into the apartment. Our neighbors - most we didn't even know - going door to door for people to sign cards and contribute to offset the cost to Rachel's family. We have been overwhelmed; humbled.

I would say things will go back to normal over time but I don't believe that. Normal has been ripped apart and redefined. My false sense of physical security is gone. You can't expect us to live the same. We can't live the same!

I will do the work necessary to come to terms with the images, the fear, the cowardice, the guilt, the relief, the naivety, the questions.

I know what all of this sounds like to you. I know you're worried. Listen - my faith is strong. It has not waivered even for a second. I've laughed and emoted and responded and related. But this... this whole thing... has become unspeakable except to those of us who are nearest to it. Don't you understand that I sensor myself with you!? Don't you understand I can't even SPEAK of what actually happened? Don't you notice I avoid any descriptive detail to the questions you ask? This is for your sake!

I'm sorry. I had wanted this to be encouraging and uplifting and hopeful and restorative. I'm just... not there yet.

Snapshots of Paris

When I realized I'd be in Paris for over a week, it occurred to me it would be the first time I've stayed put in one place (outside of DC) for that long... ever, maybe.

First, we worked...

The Global Nuclear Energy Partnership (GNEP) Ministerial was held in Paris this year. 21 partner countries, 3 inter-government observers, 17 country observers, plus another 25 countries attending. Four new member countries signed the GNEP Statement of Principles and it was agreed upon that China would host the next Executive Committee Ministerial in 2009.


My boss was coming off of a few days for the IAEA in Vienna, so he was a little tired needless to say. He did great, though. It was especially neat for me to see him on the road and around so many of his international counterparts.


Ambassador and Mrs. Stapleton hosted a reception in honor of the Secretary in their home. There were about 75 of us or so. The grounds and rooms are just amazing - it was fun to poke around and look at the rooms and art and gardens. Ambassador Stapleton said a few welcoming words and my boss reciprocated with a very warm, sincere response in which he indicated he had been thinking more and more about how these really are the closing days of his government service and how these amazing opportunities such as staying with the Ambassador or joining his counterparts at these summits are coming to an end. I hadn't heard him express these thoughts very much before. It was touching.

We got the Boss and Mrs. on the plane and wheels up in one piece. Mrs. B told me she was really pleased with how it all went, thanked me for my efforts, and encouraged James and I to relax when they left! That meant quite a lot to me as you can imagine - there were some snafus at the beginning of their trip and James and I decided we really wanted to make everything perfect for our leg. I think it was as close as it could have been. We added some nice touches and they were not unnoticed :).

From the Embassy, hotel, and logistical end - this trip was not without its challenges. We had a brand new control officer who has not quite hit his rhythm yet, so we relied on a few other Embassy folks who were fantastic - Liz and Bridgitte specifically. The hotel was a total nightmare. I have never gotten so spun up to the point of making a scene in my life - but this hotel changed that! We spent hours at that front desk trying to get them to be organized and straighten out the errors. Good lord. Needless to say I am travelocity-ing them and will be one of the many to encourage people against staying there! We loved our drivers - especially Denis - and even Charles who thinks we are all like chickens. Oh and Ludovic of course. He's very sweet.

Second...

We played :). Paris! You're so beautiful! The eiffel tower is blue for 6 months in celebration of France's EU Presidency. At the top of every night hour, it sparkles for about 5-10 minutes.

I should pause and say something about being here with James. It has been a total hoot. We had fun the entire time. I would venture so far as to say we were having TOO much fun for some of the people around us who were stressing on work in the control room. We just had a ball - I don't know how else to emphasize it. We worked hard and played hard and were great partners. Laughing all the way.


I did manage to get away for SOME cultural things aside from eating crepes or passing by the Eiffel or Notre Dame :)! I went to Musee D'Orsay (I went to the Louvre when I was here with Kayti in 2005). I of course got a trusty audio guide and spent an afternoon looking at Renoir, Monet, Van Gogh. We all know that art is always so much more striking in person. But... like... it really is! Maybe this is a silly point to focus on. I'm just trying to say it was beautiful. I loved it.


Photo taken yesterday at LaDuree on the Champ Elysee - famous for its macaroons. Unfortunately we're having major camera difficulties so we don't have photos to show for our walk up to Arc de Triomphe or our gorgeous but cold afternoon strolling around the Sacre Coeur in Montmatre. Just lovely.


My favorite part of all of this has been seeing Yann, Vincent, Melina, and new friend Jeremy. Also I happened to bump into my old DC friend Eric on the street corner - yes, totally random. Yann - who James thought was a model for L'Oreal (he's actually a marketing/arts director)- and the picture above would suggest why that mistake can be made! Anyway I just love Yann. David knows him from when Yann studied at UT. He's wonderful. Sweet, genuine, relaxed... and so hospitable. I'm curled up on his couch right now :). Vincent - my refined Vincent is the best description I've settled on. He's smart and serious and crazy and complicated. And tall. Vincent is very tall haha. Melina - UGH Melina is the sweetest, smiliest girl in the world. She's gorgeous and has no idea. She invited James, David, and I to tea and macaroons at her apartment and was so gracious and excited. She's also ridiculously smart. Jeremy is my new friend through them who had BETTER get his act together to make it to Barcelona for new years! He does what he wants to do - comes and goes as he pleases and makes many jokes but no apologies about his behavior. I love these friends, do you know?

For Heaven only knows why one loves it so, how one sees it so, making it up, building it round one tumbling it, creating it every moment afresh; but the veriest frumps... can't be dealt with, she felt positive, by Acts of Parliament for that very reason: they love life. In the triumph and the jingle... was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June.

Pardon my paraphrasing. And you're right, I'm not in London. But - oh - doesn't this just capture it? Heaven only knows why one loves it so! To love life ... this moment. The toothy crepe guy on the corner of Rue de Grenelle who reminds me he is "still here." The impatient rider who raises the metro door latch before the train stops moving. The sidewalk cafe perch that feels so removed from the whizzing around it. Chipped paint window shades and cast iron balconies The excitement of not knowing what the next corner's turn will look like. The knowing it is time for a change.

La Residence

Last night a drink with my refined Vincent at Comptoir de Sept, at his suggestion. A stroll home past le tour eiffel - sparkling and blue.

Today a friendly knock on Novotel Room 1018. Bienvenue, David. Proof of two things - the whole world is a plane flight away and there is nothing more exciting that being in it with your best friend.

This morning a ride from Denis in the curbside black Peugeot. We crossed Paris quickly, ambling up Saint Honore - Valentino, Laroche, Hermes - pulled into a small driveway in front of a seemingly insurpassable solid iron lion head door surrounded by high moss greened garden walls. The door cracked open - a quick verbal exchange and credential swap - closed again - then swung grandly open to swallow the car from the avenue.

Enter courtyard - cobblestone wet from morning rain - grand staircase to private residence.

Bonjour, Barbara Bush, first daughter, leaving to take in the day.

And make yourself at home, Mademoiselle Carrie, you are a resident on these grounds.

Great Falls and Riverbend National Park

Got my butt up and moving on Sunday morning and took off for Great Falls and Riverbend National Park for a 10.5 mile loop starting at the Riverbend National Park Nature Center and winding down along the Potomac through Great Falls National Park. This was my first hike since the Fall weather has just begun to creep in, so it was absolutely ideal for hiking. The trail went along the Potomac for a few miles and to the outlooks over the waterfalls. I stopped at watched a kayaker climb up the rocks and then ride down the falls - pretty cool. I find my hiking ideas mostly from "60 Hikes Within 60 Miles" DC version and these directions were a little difficult to follow. I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up on some rock scrambles on the riverbed. Whoops. I kept thinking if I just went a little further I would make it to another trail head. This is clearly how people get lost! Anyway the hike should have taken about 5-6 hours but I got 'er done in about 4.5 so I was really proud of myself. My legs are really sore today though!

Proof that Girls are Evil

Haha... Patrick sent this around today. The math part makes my head spin but it still makes me laugh!

New Countdowns Fall 2008!

Leaving for Paris (!!!) in 7 days 21 hours 58 minutes
Columbus Day Weekend in Austin - 22 days 11 hours 1 minute
Chicago to see Patrick!!!!!! - 49 days 23 hours 58 minutes
Ben and Leila's Wedding - 65 days 22 hours 57 minutes
Thanksgiving in Madison (and my first ever 5k race) - 69 days 22 hours 46 minutes
BARCELONA AND ROME FOR NEW YEARS!! - 100 days 22 hours 16 minutes
Unemployment - 124 days 4 hours 52 minutes

Network Blackout

The last email I received today was at 12:38pm. It is now 4:52pm. For someone who receives somewhere around 5 or so emails a minute during business hours... this is absolutely the worst thing ever.

Internet, yes. But it does us no good when we have no email. No access to schedules or contacts. No shared drives. We're absolutely incapacitated.

QB's Dad was one of the West Wing big shots for a former Administration that was in office before all of this email and blackberry business. I had lunch with him not too long ago and asked him - in all honesty - how did they function without email? How did ANYTHING get done in this town before email? He laughed and explained that desks were much more cluttered with memos and phones rang much more often. I like this explanation but my little email-dependent brain still cannot quite grasp how that system possibly worked.

The CIO just confirmed the best case scenario - back online by tomorrow morning at the earliest. You have got to be joking me. Ask me offline what directive my boss gave to the CIO. I heard it and was like... well hopefully THAT will get them moving!

Hope you are having a more technologically functional day!

Silent Amen

Last night a new kid in town asked me what happens around this city on 9/11. Detached, I listed off the options - St. Johns or National Cathedral services, possible monument memorial events, moments of silence in the morning, Pentagon Memorial Dedication with the President and Cabinet Members, Pentagon floodlights once it's dark enough to see them. And it occurred to me that for the first time this year - for the first time in seven years - the city hasn't felt different for these days leading up to September 11th. I haven't felt different. I haven't thought about it with my usual looming nausea.

I've had trouble waking up lately and have been hitting the snooze button a few times a morning before peeling myself out of bed. This morning, though, I woke up before my alarm and peaked out my window at the morning-gold striped clouds... searching, grasping, for a mourning that was just not there. And when I realized it wasn't, and knew how important it is to me that today remains meaningful and alive, I prayed for the privilege of carrying my portion of our nation's grief for one more year.

Tears came following a silent Amen.

I'm not a masochist. It's just that on September 11, 2001, I remember knowing in my very core that I would not - could not - ever be part of the masses that would let it go. I could not be part of the camp that thinks we should not pause on this day every year; that perhaps America's resolve is best displayed by moving on. I see this argument. I see why people think this. But I will not be one of them. Ever. I want my grandbabies to be able to see the same tears well in my eyes 50 years from now that did 7 years ago and do today.

So pardon me if my red striped shirt and lapel pin flag are over the top. Excuse me if "America the Beautiful" from my car stereo on the commute to work is irritatingly loud. Please forgive my inability to pull away from the 24 hour news network images from that morning.

And if I'm quiet, please leave me to remembering Mom waking me up in a panic that morning and pulling me into the study to see what none of us could understand. Allow me to remember what it felt like on September 11, 2002 to walk around the White House when a helicopter passed overhead and stopped every person on the street in their tracks to look up and reassure themselves it was allowed to be there. Let me reflect on Speaker Hastert's speech on the Southeast Steps on 9/11/06 when I really grasped that the Capitol dome overhead and my colleagues who worked inside were still there thanks to the "Let's Roll" attitude of Flight 93. And for today, let it be okay for me to desperately want to remember what I was worried about forgetting.

All the Way My Savior Leads Me

Some things in life take months and years to digest... to come to terms with. Disappointments in life are inevitable. So resiliency is a critical part of character development. I try to live with my toes pointed forward.

But sometimes the present shines its floodlights on the past and for that moment, that which you have kept hidden in secret depths is illuminated. Tonight I am exposed. And sleepless.

But encouraged by this old hymn by Fanny Crosby called "All the Way My Savior Leads Me." You can hear it on Chris Tomlin's new album called Hello Love that was just released this week. An excerpt from his version...

All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside?
How could I doubt His tender mercy?
Who through life has been my guide?
All the way my Savior leads me
He cheers each winding path I tread
He gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living breath